I am spontaneous in my dreams.

My heart is standing on the edge of a cliff.

And I can't decide if it would be more fun to jump off into the vulnerable unknown or resort to retreating into the comfortable warm solid land.

My insides have been thrown onto an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm forced to change the way I feel drastically from one moment to the next. And they twist and turn in defense.

The feeling of dread, doubt and worry has not left the pit of my stomach for a week. Not to say I haven't been happy. I spend a lot of my time happy, I just do it with this ever lasing feeling of guilt and worry. Have I gone too far? Am I not prepared enough? Why couldn't I help more? Do I look out of place? Am I doing the right thing? Could I have gone further? Do I look stupid?

I love the idea of being thought about by and cared for by another person. To be sought after and wanted. To have someone to laugh with and cry to and talk about monkeys and speedboats with. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to happen with -. I just haven't found the right things to say. I need to learn how to do the right things that are just spontaneous enough and not too much. I think a stronger friendship might be the first step. He's been stressed out lately and I wish I could help. I saw his ex?-girlfriend yesterday. What is she that I am not? Maybe I'm actually trying too hard. But, why is it okay for him to decide when to be flirty. I need to lean. I will. I just don't want to be doughnuts for diner.

That sounded dirty and it wasn't supposed to.

It's from Title of Show. Anyway.

Moving on.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings. Scott intimidates me. Even though he is the older Capt. Fab.
I'm afraid of not being ready. And what he will tell me.

I need someone else for me right now. People come to me and I can't talk. I just think about how no one could possibly care. Is it bad to want to learn to talk about myself when others ask?

Is it bad to be worried about being single at 17? I had being that stupid desperate dateless girl. I am not outgoing enough to be noticed. Is that it? Is there something else? I hope college changes my lonely state. I would love, though, to have a date for prom. So, maybe things will be fixed before college. I'm trying to be positive.

USC sent me a letter today. Yes, they send a similar one to everyone, but it was still amazing.

I need to feed Ricky.

Oh geez. I'm going to be late.



I'm happy. I will tell myself that every day. Today will be a great day.

Useless Worthless

I'm afraid she has made this all worse.

It's making me cry.

Please stop talking down to me. I know more then you do kkfp.

Editorial: Please don't be sorry.

Auhlright, so in one sense:


"Aspects of a life, they confuse me. You and your thesis amuse me."
That was a horrible thing for me to do to you. I knew you would have thought that post was about you last night and I should have put a huge disclaimer on it saying it wasn't. It was more for KKFP and Capt. Fab. and the other memebers of the Only Here to Tell society. It's more for my sister who takes me for granted and is an all around pain. And for my parents who take me for granted, can't seem to spare me their trust and sometimes can't even tell me from my sister. But, so I don't get ranty and to change the subject: You need me to listen. And, for you, I'm only happy to comply.


"Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh please, tell me that you're alright."
You are my closest friend. I hope you know this. I don't need to be your one and only. That's ridiculously elitist. No one else has written me a book of inside jokes before and put a hideous picture of me on the cover and have me still cherish it. You've done more for me then anyone in a long time. I need the support and comfort about the future that you provide.

I also look forward to seeing you. You are not my burden. Not to revisit painful times, but what upset me the most about the night you came to my house, was that you kept saying you wish you hadn't. People cry. And they need someone to feel comfortable crying in front of. I want you to be that person because I would hope you could help me if I ever came to you crying. I wish I had the opportunity to see you everyday and a more free schedule so I could go see you whenever you needed someone to talk to. Or maybe, you could drive or something and see me. But, my guard dog Morgan probably wouldn't let you in. She's fierce. To quote CP: Rawr.

I don't compare myself to them anymore. And it's not that I dislike them because I understand they are fascinating people. I just dislike the way they have treated you. And I've said it before and I'll stop saying it. I accept that you need them and hope that things are mended. Although, I do like knowing I get to be the Palomino.

"Must you make me laugh so much, It's bad enough we get along so well. . .One of these days, You'll miss your train, and come stay with me. . . We'll have drinks and talk about things. And any excuse to stay awake with you."
The big difference between us at the moment is, I expect you'll leave me. It's not a bad thing. I expect that you'll get caught up in your college thing and I'll understand that I'm not there. In fact, I almost hope that you find yourself so happy there that you forget about Las Vegas. I know that, if I lose you for a moment, I'll get you back when I can join you or when you come home. I know that it's inevitable and it would be stupid to hold you back. Still, saying goodbye will be immpossible. Everyone will be leaving me behind come August. Missing you will hurt the most. But, we'll communicate through blogs because we'll stay the lamos we have been. And I'll send you letters and presents from the home you'll leave behind. Because you're better then this place.

I care about you. I love you.

And for anyone who cares, I made very few of those icons. If you would like to know who did make them, feel free to comment and I'll make something up. Kidding.

The Giver

I'm a giver.

And I'm used to it being that way.

But, every once and again, I want something in return.

I give support, love, unconditional trust, a blind eye, second chances, the benefit of the doubt, my shoulder to cry on, my wallet to raid, my ear to be talked off and usually, I'm grateful to help. But, sometimes I need someone to listen to me. I need someone's unconditional love. I'm sick of one ended crushes and unfulfilling friendships. I'm sick of being used.

I listen. That doesn't mean that's all I'm there for. That doesn't mean I never want you to hear me.

And it isn't fair to say that no one appreciates me. Because that would be far from the truth. I'm just too willing with some people. I need to start requesting things in return.

I've been giving my time for what may as well be seven years. And I have so much more passion and devotion then the rest of them. I care about this organization so much. I'm not ashamed to admit it is my life and my passion. It isn't theirs. And I think you've just begun to feel guilty. I just want something to show it. I've worked so hard and gotten so little. I want my work to pay off. It has for the ones who don't deserve it and I want so badly to get the same chances they did. Because, otherwise, it really isn't fair.

It isn't fair of me to even request this. Because, when I think about it, I don't do that much. And yet I still want someone to take care of me. Let me whine to them, cry to them. I want little surprises. I want to be loved with them knowing how I love them in return. Someone to appreciate the work I do and compliment me. To be my companion. Instead of just someone to flirt with in class. Or just a friend to take my money and my time and fill it with stories of their sexual escapades and lies.

Sometimes, I just want to take.

As selfish as that is to the rest of the world where so many have nothing I can't shake the feeling that I need reassurance. Something in return.

How I Always End Up in the Middle of These Things.

Opening shot of a close-up of closed eyes. They flutter open as the camera slowly zooms out to reveal Jo's face. She takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts and, as if she's putting on a mask, her face breaks into a smile and she begins to speak.
Josephine:
Hello. My name is Josephine Elizabeth Porter . . .
FADE TO BLACK
V.O.:
And today I'll be performing a selection from. . . FADE OUT

(edited)


It seems, in my life, I always end up in the middle of every conflict. I find convicing testimony on both sides of the argurment and this has gotten me in trouble with my friends, teachers and parents. I sometimes find myself playing the devil's advocate, but usually I'm trying to keep the peace even if it means saying awful things about one person to make the other feel better. I find later I'm standing up for you and for them. Both of you to the other.
Recently, I've found myself gravitating towards your side of the arguments. I'm ignoring the others more and trying to help you. You are not the burden I think you assume you are. I am your friend and I am expected to be there for you and I always will be. Because I like it that way. I wish, I've said it before, I could make you see things the way I do. But, who is to say I've got it right. I just wish you could be more...open with me. I just want to help. And I hope I'm doing enough. It worries me that you're not happy.

Soon this will all be resolved. Something will happen and everything will return to the way it was. I want you to remember to be cautious around them in the future. Remember what they've done to you. But, should you let yourself be swept away in their glory and then they return into seclusion again, I'm still here for you. Like a Buzz Lightyear toy tossed out the window, I'll grab the next pizza truck and find my way back and wait.

Well, I didn't want tonight's post to end on that note. It's not as negative as it may sound. It really shouldn't be negative at all. We're going to go to college and room together in a fabulous apartment overlooking our perfect city beside the glorious Raviv and Adam. They'll fall in love with our wit and charm and they'll allow you to reach the status were Dan will notice you. And you can leave me for London and find the next one there.

Everything will work out. No one wants to see the stories with the unhappy endings.

And you will have a happy ending.

Proper Documentation

A recipe to make Feb52007 Caity? Here is what I told Natty:
"I'm mostly happy but I'm hiding my intense worry about the future and there is a lingering feeling of confusion about the people around me combined with frustration towards one particular person mixed with a dash of resigned futility. It's the grammatically incorrect recipe to make me. Put it in a baggy quick."

I am happily unhappy with myself right now.
It's a difficult struggle between the vast amount of difficult things I want and need to do and the things I've accepted I'll be able to do. It's the desire to conquer my lack of motivation in my school work conflicting with my content laziness. I want to be done with this chapter in my life. No, I'm ready to write a new book with an entirely new cast of characters. Still including the classic leads of course. How could I replace them?


I want to start making films. Just filming and seeing what happens. I don't want brilliance. I just want to film. I need to find a camera.

Don't Censor Yourself.

"When your body says Go! Do this!, and your head says No! What are you thinking?!: go with what your body says because it's probably the more natural and correct instinct. You have to stop thinking, Caity."

Don't censor yourself.

Karen revealed to me today that that was the secret to a successful performance. And she was right. Letting go, ignoring the script and just doing made the monologue so much more natural, realistic and fun. But, beyond being great for performing, it's good advice for life. I felt so liberated to be so honest even though, in reality, I was pretending to be a 24 year old women without a cent to her name pleading with some ass to co-sign so I could get insurance on my car and move to Utah.

Anyway, I've wanted to do this ever since I saw that Ryan did. It's a little low, but I liked the concept. Sorta. Apparently everyone does them. Doesn't matter. I've created a completely un-censored list of things I wish I could tell people.


1) At the moment, the friends that are closest to me really dislike you. You've been "wronged" by them and they have been "wronged" by you. You are stubborn and don't appreciate what you have. I feel bad about saying this because I really thought we were friends at one point, I really thought you cared about me but now I just want to tell you that I think you are selfish and would appreciate it if you could please stop using me and everyone around you. I'm glad you got into college though. It's too bad we'll lose touch and you will spend the next four year getting drunk and high. It always happens to the brilliant people. I will miss you.
2) You are just like your "mother". I hope we have a good time together next year. And that I can find a hint of honesty in you.
3) You've made some interesting choices in your life but you sometimes do feel like a little sister to me. Despite the embarrassing fact that you have more experience in most fields. Still, you have no right to judge how attractive my future significant others are because you've dated some...interesting folks. And, of course, by some I mean 27ish. I enjoy talking to you. We've had a witty moment or two. What with Fred and Gansta me and all. Still, my heart will be broken when I find out who you lost it to. As your "sister" I have to care about these things. Don't be an idiot. I will kick you.
4) I love you. Never forget that. Don't let other people tell you what to do. Don't follow the crowd. Stand up for yourself. And be a little nicer. You are an amazing person.
5) Your brilliance is not excuse for erratic and rude behavior to the people closest to you. I've known you and you've known me through some hideous times. We were never friends. Don't think I think we were. My shy appearance and your arrogant attitude kept us apart and yet there was still some kind of connection. It made everything seem like an inside joke. Lately however, you've indirectly caused me a lot of trouble. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating her. Please stop before she goes crazy with worry and I get involved.
6) You are a little to much like everyone around you. Despite thinking you are such an individual. Also, please stop talking with your hands .
7) You are sorta annoying. I don't understand everyone's devotion to you or your desire to always command the attention in such a frightening, loud and sometimes violent way. You seek the pity. And just so you know, to be a poor starving college student, you should probably be paying for or at least be in college first. But still, we are friends. And at least for awhile I have a feeling it will stay this way.
8) I don't know why any of them go back to you. Am I the only one that sees through you? You are so very shallow. It makes me so sad because you have such potential. It's just hard to work with a two-faced bitch. I did have some fun with you back stage once or twice though. And, I'm sorry for that rude message I left you once when I thought you hadn't showed up for the performance.
9)Why did you lead me on? Why didn't you tell me? I know you think I don't know. I know you feel bad and slightly guilty. Yet, I still wished I kissed you. Just so I could have known.
10)You have no chance with her. You still have so much growing up to do. And a bit of modesty to gain. And no, I will never marry you.
11)I have some many things to say to you and I will never say any of them because your face just can't seem to muster an honest reaction. I want to see you raw and true. I've been getting close lately. I want to see your long perfected facade crack and crumble. We're going to have to be friends next year. Please don't steal them from me.
12) Get a life. Stop saying "Pimp", "Assfuck" and "Yo" in all of your sentences. It makes you seem really stupid. Also, emotions are real, yo. (See?). It's too bad it has to be this way. We used to be so close. But I can't let it go.
13)I like you. And that makes me kinda annoyed with myself because every other girl does too. I know you see it because you are using me for your entertainment now. At least you are nice about it. Still, I wish with all of my heart that you see me for more then just entertainment or you stop leading me on. It's just the nice guy thing I'm sure.
14) You are very nice. Not very many people make me laugh as much as you do. Or ask me such flattering questions. Don't let one slight defect hold you back from everything you should go on to do.
15) Please stop fixing your boxers in class and please don't watch me through the camera any more. It makes me uncomfortable. And creating the marriage scenarios. And the fights in the back room. And....
16)I wish you trusted me. And didn't over react so much. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry.
17)You mean more to me then I think you know. I really want you to be the successful one. You just need to have some faith and trust in yourself. It makes me ache inside that I can't make you see how beautiful and talented you are. I wish you wouldn't torture yourself some much worrying about other people but I guess that is just the way you are and I love you. Don't forget about me when you leave.


Well, that was entirely too bitchy. But I feel better. You should try it sometime.