Unwanted Involvment/ Saying The End.

No, I'm not dead.

I'm just running on empty. I've been busy. We just finished a show. It seems like everything is finishing. And everyone else will be moving on.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally lately and I just started letting some of that really show today.

I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. And I'm not good enough. For anyone. To you, Jason, my parents or anyone. I've been constantly confused, overwhelmed and feeling out of place. I don't know if you forget that I'm there sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I remember the things you say and I think I know more then what you give me credit for.
It broke my heart every single intermission that you started talking about how you felt like everyone hated you and you weren't wanted. Every conversation like that breaks my heart. I feel like every time you say something like that I need to remind you that I don't hate you and you mean more to me then I can say. I care about you. You matter to me. But then I start to feel redundant. And I feel like I don't matter. I'm not enough. You've been so sad. And I don't feel like there has been anything I could do to help.

I didn't know that I actually had to say this but, I was on your team. I'm always on your team.

I was more a bat boy then one of the players. But, I guess that's how it's been lately. And that's why I'm so sad and confused about this. We've always been the rock stars together and now I'm being reminded that I'm the guitar tech. The one who lingers around like they are involved, but everyone resents them being there hovering.

Now, you're the senior and I'm not. And you're right, it's not like there's anything either of us could do about it.

You've been preparing for your goodbye. I should have been for mine.

It will kill me tomorrow when you get up and I stay sitting on the floor. Maybe it's ridiculous that it matters to me this much. I know you think that it's stupid I'm crying when you're the one leaving. But I know you've been in my place. You have to know how it feels to be left behind.

I'm going to miss you. So, so much. That's why I'm so sad. I can't be involved with this. It almost feels like a none of my business situation. You keep telling me to stop crying. But I won't. I can't. Maybe I'm just afraid you're not going to miss me.

If it matters any at all, I'll be here waiting for you. Rainbow will be lonely. I guess I should make friends with the people my own age now. But, I'll stay and keep it for you. So when you come back from your great adventures and outgoing escapades I'll be here. I'll be here to listen when some creepy secret online porn star starts talking to you. I'll tell you, as much as it won't matter, what to do. I'm always going to be up for ice cream.

I know we have all summer and at least some of next year together, no I'm not skimming over that part. I just know that this chapter of our lives is wrapping up. And I've got to say goodbye to the connection that brought us so close.

I guess that's what growing up is. And I've said I'm looking forward to growing up.

So, I guess I say goodbye to you and wish you on to your next things with luck.

I'll be here for you when you need me. Don't forget your pinky promise. You better be at that reunion.

I love you.

Editorial: Please don't be sorry.

Auhlright, so in one sense:


"Aspects of a life, they confuse me. You and your thesis amuse me."
That was a horrible thing for me to do to you. I knew you would have thought that post was about you last night and I should have put a huge disclaimer on it saying it wasn't. It was more for KKFP and Capt. Fab. and the other memebers of the Only Here to Tell society. It's more for my sister who takes me for granted and is an all around pain. And for my parents who take me for granted, can't seem to spare me their trust and sometimes can't even tell me from my sister. But, so I don't get ranty and to change the subject: You need me to listen. And, for you, I'm only happy to comply.


"Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh please, tell me that you're alright."
You are my closest friend. I hope you know this. I don't need to be your one and only. That's ridiculously elitist. No one else has written me a book of inside jokes before and put a hideous picture of me on the cover and have me still cherish it. You've done more for me then anyone in a long time. I need the support and comfort about the future that you provide.

I also look forward to seeing you. You are not my burden. Not to revisit painful times, but what upset me the most about the night you came to my house, was that you kept saying you wish you hadn't. People cry. And they need someone to feel comfortable crying in front of. I want you to be that person because I would hope you could help me if I ever came to you crying. I wish I had the opportunity to see you everyday and a more free schedule so I could go see you whenever you needed someone to talk to. Or maybe, you could drive or something and see me. But, my guard dog Morgan probably wouldn't let you in. She's fierce. To quote CP: Rawr.

I don't compare myself to them anymore. And it's not that I dislike them because I understand they are fascinating people. I just dislike the way they have treated you. And I've said it before and I'll stop saying it. I accept that you need them and hope that things are mended. Although, I do like knowing I get to be the Palomino.

"Must you make me laugh so much, It's bad enough we get along so well. . .One of these days, You'll miss your train, and come stay with me. . . We'll have drinks and talk about things. And any excuse to stay awake with you."
The big difference between us at the moment is, I expect you'll leave me. It's not a bad thing. I expect that you'll get caught up in your college thing and I'll understand that I'm not there. In fact, I almost hope that you find yourself so happy there that you forget about Las Vegas. I know that, if I lose you for a moment, I'll get you back when I can join you or when you come home. I know that it's inevitable and it would be stupid to hold you back. Still, saying goodbye will be immpossible. Everyone will be leaving me behind come August. Missing you will hurt the most. But, we'll communicate through blogs because we'll stay the lamos we have been. And I'll send you letters and presents from the home you'll leave behind. Because you're better then this place.

I care about you. I love you.

And for anyone who cares, I made very few of those icons. If you would like to know who did make them, feel free to comment and I'll make something up. Kidding.