Halloween

Well, here we are again.


And you can taste the excitement....

Too tired to eat. Too hungry to sleep.

I feel like I skipped the steps that are supposed to be awkward and went straight for the ones that are set for heartbreak.

I afraid of forever being disappointed because I always allow the exception.
I'm afraid that I've started too high and have left myself no where to build to.


And I can never find the courage to say the things I want to say. So as the moments to talk present themselves, I let them go in silence.

I just wish for security.




Watching you drive away today...I felt like I was being discarded.

Reflection

Like a vacation from a vacation, what am I doing back here? Feeling like I never left and like I've been gone far too long.

With new music and open windows I'm folding clothes to return to my temporary or perment new home. Depends on my current persepective. Depends on how everything turns.

Weird stirring inside.....

I still wonder all the time...

How is he doing? Since we never got a goodbye... I wonder if he's got the job with the money to do the things he said he loved- If his plan is working- If he's back with the first girl or a new one- If he ever wonders how I am doing- If we could be friends again...
Who drives that white car I sometimes see in your driveway on my way home? His girlfriend or yours?
How is it possible that it's been a year and I still know so little about you? This almost goes against all of the rules I thought I'd set.
How did I go to college and end up losing five pounds?
How much did the person in front of me driving home have to drink and how many lanes did they think they were driving in?
What happens the day she finds out? It is inevitable. I can only keep a small smile and lie for so long. I need an elaborate new story with a new boy before the condescending diatribes begin. If she knew... could I spin it in a way that makes and keeps everyone happy? Probably not.
In five years will I regret this?
How the hell can I focus on one thing for the rest of my life when I want to do some much? Where is the career that allows me to travel while doing theatre and changing things for the better and taking pictures with a touch of archeology. How can I whittle it down to just one? Why should I have to settle? Because. Because everyone has to.

I'm still nervous and still afraid.
You're so close and I'm so far away.

What the simple answer should have been...

No.

No need to complicate.

I packed a suitcase of dirty clothes,
picked up the pieces,
placed my piles in neat rows.

I can't finish if I don't start.
Another sip of the coffee sludge.
Cold.

You called with disapointing news.
Kept me distracted for too long.

Too long. That's what it's been.
Too long.

But a little more;
More writing.
And waiting.

I'll sleep on the plane.

Dawn will break.

when i get tired, i find that i'd don't sleep,
i just think of you.

my mind slips off without me and i can't chase it back.
together and in my dreams
we do everything i've ever wanted to.

Lose your turn.

I don't think I like this new game.

Record. Playback.

I have gathered more pieces.

They are in places you wouldn't think to check.
You with your secrecy.
I don't look anymore. The clues find me.

I hold them in my hands and don't know where to put them. What file do they belong in?

Chronological order. I try to remember if we happened first.
No. She did. She always has. I know her name having heard it through others (via different, older clues) but you have never mentioned her. Many other girls you have. But never her.
When you told me what happened that night, remember? I was on your couch and you sat, twirling your hands hiding something. Told me the scary story, skipping that detail about her being there. I would have wanted to know. Someone else who could have gotten hurt. 

That was months before. We were not doing anything. Just friends who shared an occasional meal and the couch. I don't even think you had started kissing me then.
Which makes me wonder about now.
Alone with my clues, I have all of these old testimonies I have still not managed to file.
Unfortunately, most of them are against your character. Tearfully confessed to me in various ways. I never have to ask. 
Is this a game you play?
Did I just took you a little longer to catch?
Maybe I was different to you. Something compelled you to let me linger around. Maybe you did let me in. If anything, you are very good about pretending you care. Even if this is all a lie, I have had a great time with you. And I'm not upset about it.
I just don't want to doubt it anymore-
If this is the truth or not...
I usually know. Even if you think back and shake your head with certainty that I couldn't know, I do suspect. I know when you've lied before.
We both have a knack for observation. I just keep mine quiet. I know when the stories don't match.
And part of me wants to go back to her. I just hope, really hope, that you were not still with her when you were with me.
I know we weren't doing anything with an official seal. But maybe it is naive of me to think you shouldn't be with her too. I can't be the other women again without at least being aware of it.
It's funny how that's the title I'm always awarded. Even though I have never actually been.
I'm not asking you for a change in the state of our relationship. Not asking for a proclamation of monogamy.

Just honesty.

You have so many secrets.
I don't know if I still want to be one of them.