I am my Own Secret

I just don't know what to say anymore.

No.

I think I have too much to say.

Because I never say anything.

I don't know where to begin anymore. How to end. Or what is going to happen in the middle.

I guess... I'll just..go and see where this takes me.

School started. It's slow. I'm taking too many classes and I'm hoping they'll switch my schedule around. I miss the way things were last year.

You know, I've been getting really sick lately of being dismissed.

I don't know how else to describe it. It just seems that when I attempt to have conversations with well, whoever, I'm not allowed to make a good point. They always have to be the right ones even if it means restating the things I had just mentioned. I feel completely inadequate. I don't know if I really do have nothing of importance to say or if they have some complex that doesn't allow others add thoughts to their intelligent rants. I think I've just been hypersensitive to this sort of thing lately, but everyone is doing it to me.

Also, I feel like, in situations like arguments, everyone else is allowed to go as far as they want in their attack of me, but if I come close to that with them they shoot it down as cruel. I know that I am being the ridiculous one here, but why do I feel like I'm being shot down by everyone. It makes me really hesitant to offer my advice. I just want to be the one to prove some sort of intelligent statement. I need to be told I'm right sometimes.

Teenage angsty of me, but I'm just not really happy with who I am right now. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm sick of myself. I don't want the way I see myself in my head to be so different from the way I present myself to everyone else. Everyone thinks they have me figured out, but there is some much to me that I don't let anyone see for some reason. It hinders me in most things I do too. My lack of confidence has a lot to do with why I keep to myself but, in the right situations, I can be outgoing.I just want that to more often. I don't like fading in anymore. I'm done being the nice, quiet girl that people have seen, but don't really know.

I want to impress.

And I've found myself lately searching for the approval of people I already thought approved of me. I don't know why I need all of this reassurance lately, but I'm getting really frustrated with it.

There's so much I want to change. I just feel like I'm stuck in the mold I've created. I just want people to think twice next time before they jump to conclusions on my personality.

I need to start small but I think I can do it. A lot of things will be changing soon. I'm hoping a lot of change will come with my 18th birthday. To some, it's just another day. But, for me, it's my release from this prison. I just hope I'm different on the other side.

I have so much more to say and no time currently. I am busy. And honestly, content. I will write sooner.