Time, time, time.

Lots of things today. 

To say. 

That I feel. 

That I want. 

That don't exist. 

Have become suddenly unfair. 

I can't really grasp the everything that is going on at the moment. I choose to just sit and watch it. Like a I'm watching rapids rush around me and everyone else is jumping in, but I'm so busy watching and I'm too afraid to even stick my foot in to test the water. Oh, I've thrown my pebbles and twigs, but they don't stick. 

LT said it in reference to herself. I think it holds true here too. 

I'm not being fair to myself. 

I shouldn't have to be controlled by the whims of others. I have no problem standing up for myself. It's just really hard when I'm not sure what I'm standing up for. 

I've been questioning everything lately. From my own personal morals, the things I used be believe as fact, the friends I thought I trusted, the schools I thought I wanted. Suppressed desires are resurfacing and I can't make up my mind or appease anything. 

And time's over there in the corner tapping it's foot. It reminds me less then subtly that I'm almost out. 

And yet, I'm not almost out at all. I have a good seventy years left if all goes well. So why do I feel so pressured by the hypothetical tomorrow?

A couple of days ago I talked about how happy I am with my current situations. And true as it is that I'm happy with Rainbow, I'm not happy at home. At home I am a child and in my mind I am not. I can't be allowed to think for myself when I'm at home. And I shouldn't when I'm part of their family unit. I have responsibilities to uphold for them. But at the moment, selfishly, my priority is myself. I have to figure it out. I'm not even sure if I can do it right now. And I've longed for this independence since my 12th birthday. I need to remove myself. Because I can not come home anymore to their ridiculousness. It further clouds my thoughts. I can't deal with my mom talking about college when she has it all wrong. She doesn't believe there is a such things as early admissions, or that my SAT scores or that my GPA or that I am enough to get into any school. And as much as I know that, while average, my SAT scores will get me into a college and my GPA is a 4.2 if you take into consideration that I take the hardest classes I can, and always have- it's becoming tiring to remind myself I can succeed. 

I can't start believing her because it's already hard enough to try and get things done when she's making me believe I'll fail. I need her for a support. Her concern about the wrong things and refusing to believe when I tell her otherwise is bringing me down. I'm not getting anywhere the longer I stay in this house where I am held back by the child I used to be. It's tough, but I have to grow up now. 

It's funny how I use Rainbow as my escape. Molly is in trouble for some bad grade she got and whenever she is in trouble my mom finds something to be upset with me about. My house is hostile at the moment. So, I go to crew call. And Kris shares his wisdom. And we talk about politics. Which hurts my head just enough to forget about coming home to silent stares that speak soliloquies. 

Regarding other things I can't explain right now:

I want to be in the studio theatre show so badly! Script sounds good. Interesting. Intimate setting- I've always found that tricky. There the subtleties really do count because the audience is so close.  Also, I've always wanted a romantic role. And if it is what she says it is, this could be lots of fun. Except watch Ali or Michael or Chris get the other role. Although, I'm not sure who I would rather it be. Just someone fun.

Who knows. There are lots of girls. 

Also, don't have my monologues for CalArts yet. It's a really good thing I memorize things quickly. I keep thinking maybe I should do one of the ones I've already rehearsed,d but I don't know if any of them are really appropriate. 

The Shakespeare one will be the hardest. 

Also, because I should get going, to the boy who will never read this and wouldn't understand it was for him if he did, I just want to hold your hand. I wasn't clear before. And you think I've let it go. But it's still there. And that's what I want. We have before. In situations where I don't think it counted. I was too pushy before at the worst time I could have been. We didn't talk about it. And we probably never will. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opportunity and obligation overwhelm me.
I need plans. Laid out. For me to follow.

I know I'll figure it out. If not this moment, soon. It'll come to me. I'll get there. I'll grow up. Now I just have to wait.

Cool?

World Outside Yourself

I really think if more people connected with the humans around them, the world would be a better place.
It's interesting how someone can preach how they love meeting new people, but when presented with strangers, uncomfortable situations, or imperfect circumstances- they shut down.
I spent this morning at a park with the intention of feeding the homeless. I was late, as always, and didn't get to help out as much as I had hoped. It was all worth it though to sit around with my friends and connect with the individuals homeless because they were down on their luck or, in certain instances, by choice. I heard some fascinating stories and something tells me they had many more. I see a documentary in the future. A film. Something. There is too much potential there to waste.
If people only got to know the homeless or could attempt to empathize with their situation, I'm not sure homeless people would be as frequently viewed as sub-human. I'd like to go back next Sunday and bring some food to donate too. And enjoy the company and the stories.

After I left the park, I still felt as though I hadn't really done enough. I thought about surprising Lauren at work, but she called just as I was heading over there so I told her I would be stopping by. She spoke of a job. Her aunt's store. 10.50 an hour. Part-time. Sounds like what I've been looking for. But, I still fear that the fact my loyalties are completely elsewhere, I'm not sure I would be the best employee. As hard as I would work, my schedule is unpredictable and ever changing.

Anyway, when I was pulling into the fashion show, this homeless man was walking up and down the median holding a sign. He was young and unkempt and when he passed my car I rolled down the window and gave him the two dollars in cash I had and the granola bar I didn't eat for breakfast. Honestly, he was most excited about the granola bar. Every other driver sat coldly ignoring him, skeptical of his intentions. Call me naive, but I'm sure he had quiet the story and if the two measly dollars were used nobly or not, who am I to judge?

Humans long for connection. Someone to listen, reassure and understand. They need to know they are not alone.

Life has Both a Major and Minor Key

I read over some of my ancient posts a couple of days ago.

I feel like I should censor the past. But, as 1984 should have taught us all, that is a dangerous thing to do. Perhaps they were not referring to blog entries. Perhaps it would not be particularly detrimental if I deleted some posts to anyone but myself.
Even if I think they are silly now, they were not then. Things happen. I should just accept who I used to be. And know:
Every morning I wake up, I'm somehow different from the morning prior.

I guess the stress of tomorrow is causing me to wonder about the past.

I was talking with my dad tonight, something that, sadly, doesn't happen very frequently due to differences in schedules and such. I've been so frustrated lately because I can't hold a job with Rainbow and school and I'm running out of money. Babysitting every Saturday night is nice. But 60 a week can't pay for college. Despite that it is physically impossible for me to spend 20 hours (more or less) a week at Rainbow and 35 at school, still function as a human being and hold a job. Anyway, he brought up that I could quit Rainbow (evoking my peels of laughter) and then retaliated saying that for the last show I should ask to be on usher crew or something relatively uninvolved so I could start a summer job. And then I started getting teary eyed and said that it would be really hard to be uninvolved for my last Rainbow show.
In fact, I'm thinking about stage-managing if I'm cast in the studio theatre show.
It will be my 31st theatrical production and the last with the company. For several years at least.
I have spent a third of my life in those theaters sweeping the stages, reciting my monologues, hanging the lights, building in the shop, dancing in the ballroom, laughing in the greenroom, sitting backstage pulling curtains, sitting in the booth calling the show. The 35 ensemble students and I.
That's where I grew up.
You are a child when you are 11. And from there until 18, one does a bit of growing.

With college applications, I've been forced to think a lot about letting all of that go too. I'm attached and it's pitiful how sad it makes me when I think about leaving. I just hope I can find a replacement stage that makes me as happy. And a replacement fatherly Kris, creepy J, supportive Karen and lovably crazy Toni. And thinking all of that make me feel like maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm not so sure I'll really miss school. But, luckily, Rainbow is always there. And I'll always be welcomed back.

I should move on. I could go on about Rainbow for paragraphs upon paragraphs.

College is still a mystery. CalArts is still the dream. London is the fantasy. Reno will probably be the reality. Or maybe Webster. It could be really fun to go to St. Louis with all of my family. I would finally be in the loop and have the opportunity to befriend my beautiful cousins and help my aunt out with her grandchildren she's so selflessly adopted.
The future is boundless opportunity.
I can't limit myself. That would lead to unhappiness due to regret later on. Which is simply not worth it. I hope my friends are happy with their college choices. Some of them have been apprehensive when deciding where they want to go. And I'm a little disappointed with the ones who aren't really applying where they really want to. You can't be rejected. Or accepted. If you don't apply.

Hm. I really enjoyed how calm this week was. No show yet. Uneventful school. I'm trying to find a clear spot in my schedule where I can go volunteer at the elementary school like I used to. It amazing how much your making some copies or helping the problem math students with their multiplication can be a load off the teacher's minds. It's great to help out. And I love watching kids learn. Although I don't think I'd make a good teacher. I can handle my theatre classes when I get to teach but that's a little different then being responsible for a child's literacy.
Anyway, I need to get back into all of that again. Well, something at least. I'm sick of not contributing. Even if LT thinks it's silly. I'm going to go on Sunday, if it's still alright with everyone. We'll see.

"Everybody wants a hand and I'm too busy holding up the world."
-More Than Us by Travis (the song coincidentally playing as I typed that. I love that band)

Ah, I've missed blogs.
Thought they were pointless for awhile there. But I don't always agree with my past self so there you have it. I'm thinking about starting a new one. Once I get my new account. I'll put it on my website with my photography. Speaking of photography, I think I'll post some for closing. Just for kicks. And since I want to go to college for that too. So, until I feel like emoting again:

Everyone is perfect in their flaws.

Something else I've been enjoying: www.freerice.com