Rag Doll

I didn't even mean to take this. Went from the continuous shooting setting to the self timer I guess. Which explains why I was so frustrated when the camera wasn't taking the picture, I set it down on my desk and went to edit other pictures but then realized my stupidity approximately four seconds later when the shutter released.
And then I really liked it because this pictures made me think about how much you can learn about a person just by looking at where they live.
I have magnetic poetry on my wall. 
A pile of books which I may or may not have read for Hampton's class.
Camera lens and lens paper.
My painted rock whose name I forget but who holds whispered wishes and will keep just one eye until they are fulfilled.

If you were to take a picture of me right now I'd be sitting at the same desk in a similar position but eating shells in white cheddar, baby carrots, almonds and drinking chocolate milk. Which is funny because that never happens. I never eat at this desk and never drink chocolate milk. The pasta, carrots, and nuts however I eat often. But pretend. 

I think that's another reason I love photography. Whatever moment I just caught will never happen again. But I've managed to keep in forever. 

Something doesn't feel right about the pictures I've been taking lately. In San Francisco they were almost too rushed and here I'm almost bored with the similar subjects. Time for a field trip. 

Also, I going to need to redesign the website I've been storing some of my photos on. It's not organized very well at all. 

Lilac Wine

Today felt like two days, this morning being an entirely separate monday. Cool breeze, clouds and driving with the windows down listening to Radiohead. It was good.
Babysitting was good. Too much tv not enough games though I did manage some Trouble and reminded him how to play checkers. Singing the whole time. Odd. Me singing.
Lunch was fun, though I think the old lady behind me thought they were my kids. How I could look like I was the mother of...well any child let alone a nine year old with blond hair and green eyes is beyond me.
The candy shop made me wish I was smaller. Forgotten sweets and really bright colors in the cutest neighborhood. We walked to the park where the playground looked strange enough to belong on Mars and I fell in love with the model homes across the street. This interestingly designed house in deep blue with deep red shutters and dark red door. It made me wish I had a reason and someone to live there with.
Then after getting home it was as if this morning was in fact yesterday. And I've spent the rest of the time restless and frustrated with a lot of things. Photography, writing, thank you notes, traffic school, love letters.

I've been cooped up too long and my headaches are as persistent as ever.

I hate getting them. I hate complaining about them.

I'm sorry.

I found the E.M. Forster book a couple of moments ago covered in dust.

Opening it, I want to read it again.

Thumbing through, I think about how I wish books were magical.

Sometimes I think books are magical.

Take me away.

Jeff Buckley.
be what i want to be

World Outside Yourself

I really think if more people connected with the humans around them, the world would be a better place.
It's interesting how someone can preach how they love meeting new people, but when presented with strangers, uncomfortable situations, or imperfect circumstances- they shut down.
I spent this morning at a park with the intention of feeding the homeless. I was late, as always, and didn't get to help out as much as I had hoped. It was all worth it though to sit around with my friends and connect with the individuals homeless because they were down on their luck or, in certain instances, by choice. I heard some fascinating stories and something tells me they had many more. I see a documentary in the future. A film. Something. There is too much potential there to waste.
If people only got to know the homeless or could attempt to empathize with their situation, I'm not sure homeless people would be as frequently viewed as sub-human. I'd like to go back next Sunday and bring some food to donate too. And enjoy the company and the stories.

After I left the park, I still felt as though I hadn't really done enough. I thought about surprising Lauren at work, but she called just as I was heading over there so I told her I would be stopping by. She spoke of a job. Her aunt's store. 10.50 an hour. Part-time. Sounds like what I've been looking for. But, I still fear that the fact my loyalties are completely elsewhere, I'm not sure I would be the best employee. As hard as I would work, my schedule is unpredictable and ever changing.

Anyway, when I was pulling into the fashion show, this homeless man was walking up and down the median holding a sign. He was young and unkempt and when he passed my car I rolled down the window and gave him the two dollars in cash I had and the granola bar I didn't eat for breakfast. Honestly, he was most excited about the granola bar. Every other driver sat coldly ignoring him, skeptical of his intentions. Call me naive, but I'm sure he had quiet the story and if the two measly dollars were used nobly or not, who am I to judge?

Humans long for connection. Someone to listen, reassure and understand. They need to know they are not alone.

Life has Both a Major and Minor Key

I read over some of my ancient posts a couple of days ago.

I feel like I should censor the past. But, as 1984 should have taught us all, that is a dangerous thing to do. Perhaps they were not referring to blog entries. Perhaps it would not be particularly detrimental if I deleted some posts to anyone but myself.
Even if I think they are silly now, they were not then. Things happen. I should just accept who I used to be. And know:
Every morning I wake up, I'm somehow different from the morning prior.

I guess the stress of tomorrow is causing me to wonder about the past.

I was talking with my dad tonight, something that, sadly, doesn't happen very frequently due to differences in schedules and such. I've been so frustrated lately because I can't hold a job with Rainbow and school and I'm running out of money. Babysitting every Saturday night is nice. But 60 a week can't pay for college. Despite that it is physically impossible for me to spend 20 hours (more or less) a week at Rainbow and 35 at school, still function as a human being and hold a job. Anyway, he brought up that I could quit Rainbow (evoking my peels of laughter) and then retaliated saying that for the last show I should ask to be on usher crew or something relatively uninvolved so I could start a summer job. And then I started getting teary eyed and said that it would be really hard to be uninvolved for my last Rainbow show.
In fact, I'm thinking about stage-managing if I'm cast in the studio theatre show.
It will be my 31st theatrical production and the last with the company. For several years at least.
I have spent a third of my life in those theaters sweeping the stages, reciting my monologues, hanging the lights, building in the shop, dancing in the ballroom, laughing in the greenroom, sitting backstage pulling curtains, sitting in the booth calling the show. The 35 ensemble students and I.
That's where I grew up.
You are a child when you are 11. And from there until 18, one does a bit of growing.

With college applications, I've been forced to think a lot about letting all of that go too. I'm attached and it's pitiful how sad it makes me when I think about leaving. I just hope I can find a replacement stage that makes me as happy. And a replacement fatherly Kris, creepy J, supportive Karen and lovably crazy Toni. And thinking all of that make me feel like maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm not so sure I'll really miss school. But, luckily, Rainbow is always there. And I'll always be welcomed back.

I should move on. I could go on about Rainbow for paragraphs upon paragraphs.

College is still a mystery. CalArts is still the dream. London is the fantasy. Reno will probably be the reality. Or maybe Webster. It could be really fun to go to St. Louis with all of my family. I would finally be in the loop and have the opportunity to befriend my beautiful cousins and help my aunt out with her grandchildren she's so selflessly adopted.
The future is boundless opportunity.
I can't limit myself. That would lead to unhappiness due to regret later on. Which is simply not worth it. I hope my friends are happy with their college choices. Some of them have been apprehensive when deciding where they want to go. And I'm a little disappointed with the ones who aren't really applying where they really want to. You can't be rejected. Or accepted. If you don't apply.

Hm. I really enjoyed how calm this week was. No show yet. Uneventful school. I'm trying to find a clear spot in my schedule where I can go volunteer at the elementary school like I used to. It amazing how much your making some copies or helping the problem math students with their multiplication can be a load off the teacher's minds. It's great to help out. And I love watching kids learn. Although I don't think I'd make a good teacher. I can handle my theatre classes when I get to teach but that's a little different then being responsible for a child's literacy.
Anyway, I need to get back into all of that again. Well, something at least. I'm sick of not contributing. Even if LT thinks it's silly. I'm going to go on Sunday, if it's still alright with everyone. We'll see.

"Everybody wants a hand and I'm too busy holding up the world."
-More Than Us by Travis (the song coincidentally playing as I typed that. I love that band)

Ah, I've missed blogs.
Thought they were pointless for awhile there. But I don't always agree with my past self so there you have it. I'm thinking about starting a new one. Once I get my new account. I'll put it on my website with my photography. Speaking of photography, I think I'll post some for closing. Just for kicks. And since I want to go to college for that too. So, until I feel like emoting again:

Everyone is perfect in their flaws.

Something else I've been enjoying: www.freerice.com