Life has Both a Major and Minor Key

I read over some of my ancient posts a couple of days ago.

I feel like I should censor the past. But, as 1984 should have taught us all, that is a dangerous thing to do. Perhaps they were not referring to blog entries. Perhaps it would not be particularly detrimental if I deleted some posts to anyone but myself.
Even if I think they are silly now, they were not then. Things happen. I should just accept who I used to be. And know:
Every morning I wake up, I'm somehow different from the morning prior.

I guess the stress of tomorrow is causing me to wonder about the past.

I was talking with my dad tonight, something that, sadly, doesn't happen very frequently due to differences in schedules and such. I've been so frustrated lately because I can't hold a job with Rainbow and school and I'm running out of money. Babysitting every Saturday night is nice. But 60 a week can't pay for college. Despite that it is physically impossible for me to spend 20 hours (more or less) a week at Rainbow and 35 at school, still function as a human being and hold a job. Anyway, he brought up that I could quit Rainbow (evoking my peels of laughter) and then retaliated saying that for the last show I should ask to be on usher crew or something relatively uninvolved so I could start a summer job. And then I started getting teary eyed and said that it would be really hard to be uninvolved for my last Rainbow show.
In fact, I'm thinking about stage-managing if I'm cast in the studio theatre show.
It will be my 31st theatrical production and the last with the company. For several years at least.
I have spent a third of my life in those theaters sweeping the stages, reciting my monologues, hanging the lights, building in the shop, dancing in the ballroom, laughing in the greenroom, sitting backstage pulling curtains, sitting in the booth calling the show. The 35 ensemble students and I.
That's where I grew up.
You are a child when you are 11. And from there until 18, one does a bit of growing.

With college applications, I've been forced to think a lot about letting all of that go too. I'm attached and it's pitiful how sad it makes me when I think about leaving. I just hope I can find a replacement stage that makes me as happy. And a replacement fatherly Kris, creepy J, supportive Karen and lovably crazy Toni. And thinking all of that make me feel like maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm not so sure I'll really miss school. But, luckily, Rainbow is always there. And I'll always be welcomed back.

I should move on. I could go on about Rainbow for paragraphs upon paragraphs.

College is still a mystery. CalArts is still the dream. London is the fantasy. Reno will probably be the reality. Or maybe Webster. It could be really fun to go to St. Louis with all of my family. I would finally be in the loop and have the opportunity to befriend my beautiful cousins and help my aunt out with her grandchildren she's so selflessly adopted.
The future is boundless opportunity.
I can't limit myself. That would lead to unhappiness due to regret later on. Which is simply not worth it. I hope my friends are happy with their college choices. Some of them have been apprehensive when deciding where they want to go. And I'm a little disappointed with the ones who aren't really applying where they really want to. You can't be rejected. Or accepted. If you don't apply.

Hm. I really enjoyed how calm this week was. No show yet. Uneventful school. I'm trying to find a clear spot in my schedule where I can go volunteer at the elementary school like I used to. It amazing how much your making some copies or helping the problem math students with their multiplication can be a load off the teacher's minds. It's great to help out. And I love watching kids learn. Although I don't think I'd make a good teacher. I can handle my theatre classes when I get to teach but that's a little different then being responsible for a child's literacy.
Anyway, I need to get back into all of that again. Well, something at least. I'm sick of not contributing. Even if LT thinks it's silly. I'm going to go on Sunday, if it's still alright with everyone. We'll see.

"Everybody wants a hand and I'm too busy holding up the world."
-More Than Us by Travis (the song coincidentally playing as I typed that. I love that band)

Ah, I've missed blogs.
Thought they were pointless for awhile there. But I don't always agree with my past self so there you have it. I'm thinking about starting a new one. Once I get my new account. I'll put it on my website with my photography. Speaking of photography, I think I'll post some for closing. Just for kicks. And since I want to go to college for that too. So, until I feel like emoting again:

Everyone is perfect in their flaws.

Something else I've been enjoying: www.freerice.com

Just a Mirror for the Sun

What do I say?

There is so much to say, I don't even know how to start.

Reno. I'll start with that.

Honestly, I had a fabulous time. It was the perfect mix of crazy and calm. Our plane was an hour late but I think it ended up being perfect because there wasn't much down time to get bored. Or uncomfortable. I felt important. I loved that what I sacrafice myself for is worth something to someone. It made me realize that there are greater things then high school. And somehow I'll fit into them.

The theatre company I'm in won the Govonor's Art's Award and it was a pretty big deal to all of us. I thought it was cool and all but I was more interested in the idea of performing for all of those people. To showcase our little company that should be so much bigger. What our perfomance really made me see though is just how prepared I am for the crazy unknown of other theatres. It didn't matter that no one there seemed to know what they were doing. We went with the flow and it all worked out. I felt like the adults standing in the wings watching were acutally impressed. And it was fun to perform in a foreign theatre. I felt like I was on tour.

Which makes me question how people can actually go on tour or can actually live through a tour. Right after we got our suitcases we filed into the vans and drove to the university, warming up in the car. (By singing to the radio) And then we met in the parking lot and did more warm-ups (By doing jumping jacks and other silly theatrical warm-ups). And then some man who thought he was pretty much the coolest thing ever came to find us becuase he was afraid we were not coming. He hurded us into the theatre (throught the catacomb like underbelly of the building, really) and onto this stage that everyone else thought was huge but I felt like it was kinda tiny. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to the marly and wood floor combo. And the over-head lights felt very oppressive. Anyway, they made it seem like we were not going to get the chance to run through the show but before I could figure out what was going on, we were. And this balding man in a suit was taking pictures. And people in nice clothes were flitting around everywhere watching us out of the corners of their eyes.

I don't think they expected the show they got. 

We did our pieces and I felt ...so proud of everyone. I wasn't nearly as nervous as I was afraid I'd be. Only 600 people or so. And more then anything, it was fun. 

We ate dinner at 11:30 after the most entertaining van ride to the hotel from UNR. Our van most defiantly could take your van in a cage match. Pretty much just because Kris is our driver. I have videos galore. 

I roomed with Sam which was mildly disappointing because I was so certain I would be rooming with Lauren. Which is funny. If I had roomed with Lauren....I wonder how things would have played out. I doubt talk of Strip Ice Bench Game rematches would be going around. And I probably wouldn't have a letter penned at 3 in the morning beginning, Caity, I think I'm a terrible person. 

But, that's okay. Because I was getting sick. Really sick. Near death ill. 

Which made meeting the Governor and visiting Virginia city so fun!!! Ha. 

Not a lot to say about Carson City except that it was cold the picture with the Gov. were tedious and we had more entertaining van conversation relating to how I hold all of the cards in any relationship I choose to enter, Devin's necklace is certainly going to fall off, the appeal of ancient ensemble members and several several several rounds of, who would you rather see naked. I never ever ever ever ever need to think about half of the people we talked about naked again. Man. Only in the cool van. Doubtful that they talked about that in Toni's van. 

Virginia City is pretty cool. I don't know if it was the fact that my equilibrium was so terrible that I felt like the world was tilting most of the day, but I felt like the whole city was going to fall into the valley below. It's perched on the mountain side and is simply ancient. They took us to an old theatre that was disappointingly being renovated but, the kind men let us in to look at the stage. Everyone has preformed there, Houdini, Mark Twain, many more. There was an actual raked stage. Which turned out to be a really slight incline. We sat in the boxes beside the stage still with the faded red velvet seats and the props still sitting back stage enchanted me.

Then the rest of the day was spent teetering around (quiet literally if you're me) buying impractical things from the antique shops. Oh. And the mood lipstick we actually got Kris and Josh to wear in the van ride back. Still greatest van ever!! At lunch I learned about the shenanigans of the night before and was only slightly disappointed I didn't get to participate. Next time. Even though they don't believe I would have played. Please don't underestimate me. Although KK's level is far passed mine. And I'm glad Josh can still be some what of a mystery to me. 

Plane was bumpy. Notes were obviously exchanged about Josh and I think a little piece of him died inside when you held his hand because you were scared of the turbulence, Lauren. I was just getting more sick and in my delirium I could see how you could confuse my using him for a support as something else. Although, it was not. I was falling over. 

I was disappointed when the trip ended. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. And the greatest Rainbow trip I've been on. Doing what I love with the people I love. Too bad I couldn't get out of bed for three days after. Whatever, I don't, Kris had or JB, I had it too. 

We need to road trip again.