We all ask this question.

I should have hugged him when he so obviously wanted a hug.
He thought he was being subtle or maybe he was trying not to be. Upon his mentioning that someone could make a lot of money selling hugs I should have stood up and told him I was and would always be giving them away for free. But, instead I sat and considered standing up until Lindsey did instead and engulfed him. I'm not really happy with her right now. Not since she stole my entire essay, turned it in to Hampton and then didn't understand how I could be upset wit her. It made me laugh when he said that didn't make him feel any better at all and kinda smiled at me with his wide pleading smile. Still, I remained immobile.

I shouldn't be alienating boys. I want someone to hold my hand so badly that I should take whoever is willing to be on the receiving end of my hugs. There's Ryan who I love with but, everyone is hoping he's gay which kinda puts a damper on the whole boyfriend thing. There are other random guys. There always are. There's something wrong with the idea of me being with most of the though. Something just doesn't sound right.



I just want to be liked.
I want to be loved.
I want someone who's not afraid to say that I'm his girlfriend.
(God, why does this sound like one of those awful chain letters?)
Someone to hold my hand or kiss my check even if we're around his friends.
I want someone to cry if I was hurt and laugh when I want to laugh.
I just want to be liked.
I want to be loved.


How long am I going to be alone?

Surveys I never get to do:

I'm in the mood to talk about myself. I see these all the time but never fill them out because who really cares about me anyway. You do. Or actually- you totally don't. But, it could be entertaining and worth your while.

1. Would you get back with your last ex if you could? Well, considering when I was last dating someone.....actually I probably would. He was a nice guy.
2. What color shirt are you wearing? It's blue with yellow sheep on it. I don't know why there are sheep, but there are.
3. Would you kiss anyone on your friends list? Yes. Yes and I kinda wish I would.
4. Do you have a 'thing' for someone on your friends list? Not really. But, I'd kiss him.
5. How many people on your top friends list do you know in real life? Okay, no more myspace questions. I need to find my surveys elsewhere.
6. How many kids do you want to have? Three. I really want twins. If everything was to go my way; twin girls and a younger son. I don't know names though.
7. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I do, yes.
8. What name would you want besides the one you have?
9. Would you ever make out with someone of the same sex? Why not.
10. What did you do for your last birthday? It was the best birthday of my life. Drove to California. Did just exactly what I wanted to. Had a wonderful time. Someday, I'll go back and stay.
11. What's your main ringtone on your phone? Uhh, it came with the phone. It's got a bit of a dance beat. Mostly vibrate, though. 
12. What time did you wake up today?4:45 am.
13. What were you doing two nights ago? Tuesday? I was...running errands and avoiding my homework, much like I am now. I was also getting sick...much like I am now.
14. Do you like having your hair pulled? My hair pulled? I don't think anyone likes having their hair pulled. Except maybe those who were bald and then came into some hair. They might have their hair pulled just for a reminder that it's still there.
15. Name something you can't wait to do. Leave high school.
16. Last time you saw your mom? Ten minutes ago.
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about yourself? My ability to communicate with others.
18. If you had $250,000 what would you do with it? Find an apartment. And some nice headshoots.
19. How long have you worked at your current job? Six years. Yes, I was eleven when I started. I've become quiet good at what I do.
21.Describe the underwear you have on?...It has a bow on it. Haha.
22. Last thing you ate? Tea.
23. What's your favorite month? October and June
24. Your least favorite month? March
25. What's the last piece of clothing someone borrowed from you? My sibling borrows things all the time. I've lost track.
26. Who is getting on your nerves right now?I wish I could say.
27. Most visited webpage? Uhh, not myspace. I'm not really sure. I have a sort of routine so I think I visit them all the same amount.
28. Last person you text messaged? Lareen.
29. Last person to make you sad? Sydney. Or Ana.
31. Favorite kind of drink? Dr. Pepper
32. Favorite food? Uhh, Italian and Mexican and...I like food.
33. Favorite dessert? Ice Cream
34. Have you been to Europe? I have. I miss it so, so much. They like their tea scalding hot and don't believe in air conditioning but I want to go back to London!
35. If someone you hated died, what would you do? Feel awful. This has happened. I didn't hate them and felt horrible for even disliking them in the slightest.

Single or Taken: Single and only kinda not liking it.
Happy about that: Oh. Uhh. No. Kinda?
Eye color: Brown. Very brown. Not- confuse for black- brown, but really dark.
shoe size: 7 1/2
What are you wearing right now: Jeans and my pj shirt (with the sheep)
Height: Short. 5' 5'' maybe.
Righty or lefty: Righty
Can you make a dollar in change right now?: Yes. Dimes or Quarters?
FAVORITES:
Kind of pants: Jeans.
Juice: Uhh, I acutally kinda like apple juice when it's sugar-free  and white grape juice. God, I'm like an old lady. Although, there is apparently a lot of juice out there I just haven't experienced yet. 
HAVE YOU EVER:
Given anyone a bath: Yes. I babysit. I give a lot of baths and I'm still really bad at washing their hair.
Bungee Jumped?: No, but I hope someday. Safely. Maybe in a room instead of off a bridge...
Sky Dived?: No.
Made yourself throw-up?: No. Thought about it a lot. But, I never have.
Skinny dipped?: No. But, I probably would
Broken a bone: My jaw...ouch.
Played truth or dare: Umm, yes! That can get really dangerous.
Been on a plane: Millions of times. I love to fly.
Come close to dying: No. But, I thought I was going to die a couple of times when I was little and got really sick. And once I ate a hot dog straight out of the fridge and thought that, because it wasn't cooked, I was going to die. I walked around my back yard saying goodbye to things.
Been in a hot tub: Yes.
Fallen asleep in school: Whenever possible. Usually during math or francias. Je suis fatigue.
Run away: Ran away to my friends house when I was six. Spent the rest of my life thinking about it then actually doing it. Once, I made great plans to though. I started setting clothes aside and figuring out food. But, then my eight year old head must have forgiven my parents and moved on.
Broken someone's heart: I'm afraid I may have.
Cried when someone died: Yes. Almost always.
Fallin off your chair: Yes heheh
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: No, that's much too dramatic even for me.
Made out with JUST a friend?: Ehh, no.
Used someone?:Not really.
WHAT IS:
Beside you: My fish, my ipod and my shoes.
Last thing you ate: Uhh a cough drop.
EVER HAD:
Chicken pox: Yes.
Sore Throat: Digustingly-yes
Broken nose: No
Do You:
Believe in love at first sight: More lust then love- but I'll take it
Long distance relationships: Only for the most trusting and commited
Like school: No. No, no, no. Like some of my classes? Yes. The idea of school and everything about it?- NO.
Question yourself: Yes?
Who was the last person that called you?: Josh
Who makes you smile the most?: My friends or my dog
Do you like filling these out: I'm not as witty as I was hoping I'd turn out to be.
Do you wear contact lenses or glasses: Neither.
Do you get along with your family? Yes.
FINAL QUESTIONS:
What did you do yesterday? Spent some time in hell, uhh didn't do some homework, wrote my hand off in an essay exam....yeah
Have a lava lamp: hah Yes
How many remote controls are in your house?: A lot. Seven maybe....so to some- a few
Are you double jointed?: Yes! My shoulders, my hips and...my thumb
Scary or Funny Movies: Good?  
Chocolate or Vanilla Ice cream: Vanilla.
Rootbeer or Dr.Pepper: Dr. Pepper man
Summer or winter: Autumn
Silver or Gold: Silver
Diamond or pearl: Pearl.
Sprite or 7-up: Neither
Coffee or tea: Either
Phone or in person: Person
TODAY DID YOU:
1. Talk to someone you liked: Yes and some people I really don't like. And Kyle, well, he just talked. And I just stood there.
2. Buy something: Yes, food.
3. Get sick: Not really....
8. Talked to an ex: Ha. No.
9. Miss someone: Yes, I miss some people a lot.
LAST PERSON:
9. Who you liked a lot: Hehehe He's a nice guy. Eveyone else thinks he's gay. It's an interesting situation.
10. Slept in your bed?:  Owes me ten bucks
12. Made you cry: Kearsten
13. Went to the movies with:Uhh, probably my mom or Laren
15. Said "I Love You" to: Probably to Ryan
20. Been to Europe: Yes, yes I have.
RANDOM:
22. what book are you reading now: A lot. Some frilly ones and some lovely deep ones.
26. What's under your bed: Boxs. The floor under my bed is probably more organized then the rest of my room.
27. Favorite sports to watch: Sports?
28. Favorite Locations: My second home the Whipple. 
29. tattoos or piercings: My ears.
30. Most scared of right now?: Discovering that I can't fufill my dreams as I hope to.
31. Who/What do you really hate?: People with no respect for others.
32. Do you have a job?: In a sense, yes.
33. Ever liked someone you didn't have a chance with?: Yes. Yes. Yes?
36. Are you lonely right now?: A little.
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now? I'm listening to MotionCS so, no song.
39. Have you ever played strip poker: Hahah no.
40. Have you ever gotten beat up?: No.
42. Have you ever been on radio/TV: Yes, occasionally actually.
43. Have you ever been in a mosh-pit: No, thank god.
44. Ever liked someone, but thought they never noticed: Uhh, yes.
45. What are the first things you notice about the opposite sex?: Facial features. Eyes, smile and laugh...which is more a personality thing...which is what i notice next lol
47. Ever get so drunk you don't remember?: How can I remember?
48. Are you too shy to ask someone out?: Probably.
49. Hugs or Kisses?: Either/or. Both. All. 

Here's to the Future-

I got my license two days ago.

It was a pretty easy test. I had no points deducted, but I have this feeling that I should have. It makes me think back to stories I'd heard where people said they passed because the tester thought they were… pretty? That was not the case, I know. But, I would feel weird driving if I knew that happened. Although, maybe it never has. Anyway, I’m glad that bit of my growing up is done with and out of the way. I'm ready to be on my own.

Today my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Which reminds me; I never told you about my family.

My mother is Roseanne. Well, her name is Mary but if you ever watched that old television show- that's my mother. Loud, funny, obnoxious and I love her. She is the last person you'd expect this from but, she majored in fashion in college. She's friends with Kenneth Cole. She is a Curves addict. She doesn’t have a job right now and I really wish I could get her a studio to show off her earrings and jewelry that she makes with such a passion. My dad, I’m certain, is a secret agent. Not really the logical thing you’d expect an intelligent teenager to write about their father, but I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if he let that slip one day. I have no TV characters to relate to him, but he’s funny when he’s around his friends. Which surprised me because he hates making conversation with large groups of people. My little sister is well, she’s me. She doesn’t look like me or act much like me but, I find our similarities everyday. Beyond our childish sibling bickering, I love her very much.

Again, about me:

I'm a student. And I like to be involved in the community  but more that all of those things, I’m an actress.

I like to think it's that simple. I’m a writer. I make films. No, you probably haven’t heard of me. And if you never do I’ll be okay with that. I don’t want the fame. Or the stalking paparazzi. But, I would welcome both with open arms.  I want to act. Oddly, I need the chance to pretend I'm someone else. I need to perform. I need to entertain. I want it with all of my heart and I'm not sure what I’ll do if I can’t get it. I’m trying though. I’m strong willed. I will succeed.

For Starters...

I am 16.
I had to re-write that sentence because at first I put that I was 17. But, I still have 30 some days to go. I'm not counting. Those thirty days can take their time. It's just I should be 17. I want to be 17. There really is nothing special that comes with being 17 beyond saying that I'm not 16 anymore. And I think I can be happy with just that. I won't be 16 anymore and I'll be one year closer to college and getting out on my own. No, there is something else. People are defined too much by their age. I can't just be an intelligent future adult with goals and ideas. I'm 16. I'm young and naive and I don't understand. I only care about my friends and my appearance and how many concerts or malls I can go to. I have no respect for anyone and screw the world.
Fuck this. I'm 16. And I'm almost none of those things.

I don't know how to describe myself. I don't fancy myself an attractive girl. But, people tell me I am. I also don't fancy myself a very funny girl. But, people tell me I am (although there will be none of that here!). My hair is dark and brown. I've never dyed it because I think the brown suits me. It's wavy on top, but the bottom layers are strait as string. There's a reason why that is, but I've never told anyone. People thought it might be cancer. They later proved it wasn't, of course, but I never told anyone what it really was. My hair caused me so many petty problems and I'm getting quite sick of it. But, the fact that I wear it in the same style almost everyday adds to who I am and affects the way people think of me.
I have dark drown eyes with broken designs like the cross section of a tree. I like my eyes. They catch the light. That still doesn't keep me from wishing they were green, but again, they suit who I am.
I have pale skin. Not- I never go in the sun- pale. But-I don't tan well- pale. It's a dramatic contrast to my dark hair and eyes.
I have a round face. I'm hoping I somehow make the miraculous Hilary Duff face transformation and all of my baby fat melts away. I'm not tall. I'm on the skinny side. I'm not a Goth, prep, jock, cheerleader, geek, slut, druggie or any of the many stereotypes high school students are shoved into.
I'm me. Whatever that its.