Fireworks & Sunflower seeds. Unopened books & Unfulfilled pleads.

I need to post more frequently. It's summer. This shouldn't be hard for me. But, I guess keeping any commitment is apparently difficult. Let's see. It's been a month since I last posted...what about me is different? Where do I begin?



I have a job now. Theatre is on break. I still don't know where I'm going to college. I want to become a photographer. I haven't started my summer reading. I haven't been teaching myself French as I promised myself I would so I don't get lost next year. I didn't volunteer where I was planning. I don't know what to do for my senior picture. I am however enjoying the summer nights with my window open. I like sleeping in and going to movies in the theatre. I like the not-often-enough late night phone calls. I'm enjoying living. But there is some much more I should be doing.

I want it to rain. It's been cloudy for days and I want the rain now. I need some change and some new and the rain is always refreshing. Jason likes the sun. Cloudy days depress him. He says rainy days appeal to girls for some reason. I don't care. Vegas needs a cool bath.

So, this job. I work at a smoothie shop in town. It's fun. The people are nice. But, since I get to be completely brash here and not censor myself, I don't want to work there at all. Most of the girls are complete idiots and I don't work enough hours for it really to be worth my while. And then there's the whole working with food thing. I want to work in the theatre. Or something that could help me make connections or look good on a resume. Take this babysitting job I just took for instance. The company came to town with a two month old baby in tow. I was asked to babysit for them. After fixing my schedule a little I agreed. They were fantastically nice and in love with the theatre. They were dancers really living in Manhattan where they have a dance company. I went out to lunch with them and talked about college. They insisted that if I ever ended up in New York to give them a call. "We have couches." She said. "And plenty of tips. Don't go into this subway at this time of night."
It's stupid. But I like knowing people in different places. I like to build little networks. Little, "Hey, I know you from...."s. I babysit again for them on Friday. I'm looking forward to it.

She did bring up something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I need a fall back. I need to build other skills besides theatre. I mean, I have other skills. And honestly, I think I could tech shows and make money that way. I hope I'm a competent enough person that there would always be some job for me. Making smoothies I guess. But I should see if there is something else I should get a degree in. Management of something. . . English. . . ? I wouldn't be happy. I just don't know at the moment. I'm so content where I am. I think I'm just going to take it as it comes.

College is honestly a mystery to me. There are so many options. I don't even know where to start. And my parents are less then helpful. My dad went to college for 11 years and he still had no good advice and almost just wants me to go to my rather horrible state school. I want to go to a size able city. I think I want to study theater. I want to study abroad for a year. And I don't know where. I guess I'm just afraid of falling in love with a school and then discovering that I can't go there or it's too expensive. I don't want to always regret that.

Mm. Desert night are beautiful. It's warm outside, but not too hot. The stars are beautiful. The last few days of school were really cozy. I had people start asking if there were things going on between us. So I guess we weren't as subtle as I'd hoped. He wrote about me in his final exam for broadcast. I was flattered, I mean I wrote about him in the place where we were supposed to talk about an experience with a classmate too, but we didn't arrange that and all of his best friends were in that class too. I haven't seeen him all summer. We've talked on the phone. We'll see.

I think I want to be a photographer as well along with everything else I want. Wouldn't it be cool to be a celebrity photographer? Trendy photo shoots used in upcoming issues of Vogue. I really like photographs. And lately I've been receiving offers from people wanting me to take theirs. All because I took some pictures of a friend for her music website and she ended up blowing them up into posters and hanging them at her graduation party. That was actually pretty cool. I like nature shots too. I go into my backyard sometimes and take picture of the flowers and my tortoises. Whatever catches the light. I like it.

Anyway, I suppose I should get back to my summer plan of keeping mildly busy. I'll post more often. Julie, in case you haven't checked lately, I e-mailed you. I hope you got it. I'd really like to talk to you. I hope all is well.

What am I going to do for my senior photograph?