Another Letter I Wish You'd See

Yes. I am aware this all could have been avoided if I had only bowed my head and apologized.

But, I was told to not apologize unless I mean it. Because what is the use of an empty apology?A band aid for a problem that really needs stitches.

We don't see eye to eye here, I know. But, for once I am upset. I am not going to give in to you. For 17 years I've given in to your silly rules and harsh guidelines. You were cruel to 4 year old me. To 8 year old me. 13 year old me. I can only remember a few times when I stood up for myself and only one time when I truly deserved my punishment. Let us step into the way back machine. Let me bring up some painful memories you have suppressed into oblivion.

This will seem ridiculous to you that I remember. But, I vividly do. I could not have been more then 6. It was early in the morning and Molly and I had been playing dress up. We were in her room. Clothes were all over the floor and I was picking another jewel off of the dress-up trunk. I liked to peel the glue off. I liked to play with the colored plastic gems. I was 6. I do not remember the reason you yelled at me. It wasn't because I hit Molly or broke anything. I want to say it was because I was pulling those jewels off. But, I just can't imagine that sparked the conflict that followed. You were furious with me for the rest of the day. You slapped me. Molly was crying. I remember things in a blur. I remember that after you sent me to my room I took my clothes and put them in my back pack and grabbed my teddy bear and walked out the front door. I walked to the end of my street and realized that I was being stupid. I couldn't go anywhere you would not find me. So, I sat with my bear on the edge of my driveway. It didn't take long for you to come outside. I was expecting you to be crying. On TV they were always sad. But, you yelled at me. Told me to try to find somewhere else to live. See if someone else would give it to me as good as I had it. You finally broke into hysterics and gave in. You let me watch My Little Pony in your bed and everything between us was fine again. I wish I knew what was going through your head when you got mad at us as children.

I still think that the Wednesday of spring break when I was eight was one of the worst days of my life. It makes you so angry that I remember. We were going to go to Toys R Us after we got all of our books sorted ready to give away. Molly and I were sorting them in the loft and you starting yelling at us because we weren't done soon enough. I'm not kidding. You were yelling because we didn't sort it fast enough. I'm sure I said something to was borderline rude or sarcastic or "flip" or something because you just exploded from there. We were each sent to our rooms. I started frantically cleaning because, knowing you, anything would set you off. I know Molly was doing the same. Molly's room comes first in the hallway and so she fell pry to your attack first. I remember her scream. I rushed out of my room and yelled at you to stop. This is the first time I remember standing up to you. You were surprised. You were removing everything from her room. It was her doll that you took from her that made her scream. She was still a child whose life was centered around imaginative games with her dolls. And you were taking that away. You hit me and came into my room next and started taking things out. I was crying. You made a nice pile right in front of the stairs of all of the toys we had. With our rooms barren you took our drawers and dumped all of the clothes on the floor. The fact that our drawers were always messy has always upset you. You went downstairs to probably sit on your ass and watch tv. We cleaned. I remember coming downstairs sometime later to beg for forgiveness. I wanted my toys back. I wanted my room back. I didn't want you to be mad anymore. You asked me if my room was clean. (Oh Princess, did you clean up your room?) You yelled at me for something else. (No? Of course not. Why would Princess have to do any work in this house?) Whatever it was, you threw me to the floor. You started screaming at me like I've never known. You picked me up and dropped me back calling me Princess all the while. I don't remember the rest of that day but that pile of toys you used as a reward system. We could get a toy back whenever we didn't do something wrong. Until you got sick of that and just gave it all back.

The only time I remember you getting mad at me for any sort of real reason was when I was in 7th grade. At that point I was terrified of you knowing about any of my bad grades. I could only get As. So, when I got lost in math and had a D on the progress report you were supposed to sign, not report card- no...just the sort of check up that I hate- I knew I couldn't show it to you. You would have killed me. So, in a nervous fit, I signed Dad's name and turned it in. I really should have known she would catch me. She called while I was starting to eat diner- soup. I watched you and remembered your hysterical voice. The food disappeared. You sent me upstairs. I sat and waited for you. Again, I had frantically cleaned my room. You came up and yelled and demanded. I explained myself the best I could through my tears. You told me you were going to call the cops. You told me to run away. I told you I wanted to. Now, I was at fault here. I think you still reacted badly, but I did do something I wasn't supposed to. I should not have signed his name. And for once, your punishment was effective. I will never forge someones name again.

But, this situation is so different for all of those. This is a situation where I am going to argue if there is even a situation. For once, I am going to stay upset about this until you can talk to me like I'm an adult. I wasn't kidding when I said it was abuse. It was. And those were not the only times- oh no. I've learned your scare tactics and as much as I wish they didn't still work on me -they do. You hold all the power. And you love to take away my little freedoms. You are the bully on the playground that has to be bigger then all the littler kids. You have to assert authority over someone you know you already have control over.
Tonight you declared you want utter control over my life.
You have to know where I am every moment.
I just wish I had done something legitimately wrong.
I just don't think it's fair. Recently at least, I have never, ever done something to make you suspect that I wasn't worthy of your trust. Excuse my conceit, cockiness- whatever, but you are lucky. I have never done anything illegal. I have never gotten drunk or high. All because you are stuck in the back of my head censoring my every movement. You already control my every move. I don't need you officially doing it. This is such a stupid week to be having this stupid fight. I keep thinking, in respect of recent events, about the parents who would give anything to have their children again. That father just kept saying how he wished he could tell his son one more time how proud he was of him. I wonder about you sometimes. I don't need your approval. At this point, I just wish you could let me live for me. Why do we bother fighting?It's so stupid. Such wasted breath that leads to futile regret. Can we please just talk about this?
I want to have the little freedom to be able to make the choice that I can go out to eat lunch with my friends after school and come home at 4:30 without telling you. And you can call me if you are worried. I have been making more important life decisions for myself without telling you long before now. You know nothing about the colleges I want to go to. About the things I do at school And honestly, that's more important then all of this. I think I just want you to see the bigger picture. Stop reasserting your authority. It's not a matter of respect. I respect you. But, I'm done with you not respecting me. You are such a child sometimes. You're only power is your voice.
You said you were going to tighten the leash. You pull the leash and the harder the dog pulls the other direction.
You're going to lose me. You're going to force me away. I want to talk about this. I want to talk about this. I will go crazy if you don't give me some freedom to think and make choices for myself.

I'm sorry none of this makes sense. I'm so sad. And so angry. I can't seem to express the problem or how I feel about it.

I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone about it. I am at fault. I know. But, I really think this is bigger then that. I want to be treated the way I should be. Every person does.
Someone tell me what I should do. Someone just talk with me about this.

Funny, I ask someone to tell me what I should do when all of this is about thinking for myself.

Dependency Issues

I realized today how much other people's moods affect me.
I've known it for a long time. It's frustrated me for a long time. But, today it really sunk in.

I really pull from the people around me. Not to the point where I change the things I say or the way that I act, but they can affect the way that I feel. If you are upset, but not the kind of seeking help upset, and I spend time with you...I start to feel bad too. If you're having a bad day and I can't help fix it, you bring me down. It works the other way too. If you are in a good mood you'll make me happier. I feel like a toy. And it's my fault.

It frustrates me because I see that someone is upset and I realize that I should have nothing to do with it and should continue going about things as I was. Unless it relates to me or I become somehow involved. But, then I start to feel guilty for being happy when they are upset. Maybe it's because I fear everything is my fault and I should feel continuously remorseful...

Maybe it's because I'm just confused.
I wish there was someone I could go to if I was having a bad day. But, usually, if I'm having a bad day, I just pretend I'm not. Maybe I just don't understand how you can't control your emotions or make sense of how you're feeling. I'm having this problem with my sister. And other people. Maybe I just don't understand.

Lately, however, I've had good days.
And no one to share them with.
Because I don't want to burden you with my happiness.

I think, in the pit of my stomach, I know what is going on. I could be so very wrong, but if I'm not, I am at fault. There isn't much I can do to fix it. Except, I suppose, stop talking about it all together. I think it has a lot to do with the way you think of yourself too. And I wish I could make it all better.

I wish I could make everything better. I want to let go.

But this may make it worse.
I'm such a hypocrite. This isn't fair of me. I'm sorry.

I'll be brief. My favorite part of my day today was the way A reacted to last Friday. It was fabulous and intriguing. I guess I'll just have to tell you about it later. Things are different between the two of us. Friday changed that?
We'll talk. Later.

Olympian Serenity

(Title is a quote from my newest monologue for Toni's class. it's so angry and fun that even though I was skeptical about the content, I feel awesome when I preform it. Even though I have to yell at poor joey who just sits there. i apologize about that though pretty often.)

I felt like I needed a new post. And I'm still not done writing about Reno and all that occurred there. I'm sure I'll finish it eventually.

Spring break came a week too early this year. But, it's here and I'm not in school. Instead, I move into the studio theatre at 10 in the morning with a hot glue gun and emerge blinking into the sunlight at 2 only to come back at 5 and stay until 9.
That was a lot of numbers.
The director of this show is insane. He's invaded all of our designs and with amazing stealth, managed to turn all of them into exactly what he wanted without us noticing. I don't remember what I wanted originally, but it wasn't this Scotty. I feel sorry for the people who work with you at American Girl. Because you have no concept of concepts. And you are so picky. It's impressive, though, that no one will challenge you. No one ever questions your godly word. Even when your idea is ludicrous. It's amazing.
I was so looking forward to this interaction. I was looking forward to working with you. Because you have connections. And then you turned into an ass. What a let down.
(edited)

I'm also afraid of everyone else's reactions. To him. Because they all somehow know. And that is embarrassing. I can see every one's raised eyebrows. And giggly nudges. I feel I'll be making a lot of death threats to shut them up. I would really just rather he not find out how very much I talk about him. Right now at least. I mean even Kris knows about him. I can just hear him saying something overprotective. Or something. Maybe he wouldn't. But he would do something. Ha. I feel like I should warn anyone who comes with me to the theatre that coming is like him meeting my family. My huge dysfunctional, theatrical, judgemental family. I love them like family. They look out for me, like family. They are family.

It's odd to watch the company girls transform themselves around new boys. It clearly proves how boy deprived we are. Well, some of us. Maybe that's why I don't like Seth as much. Because of stuff elsewhere. Still, I think the girls get kind of silly with the swooning and all. And the only ones that have any right to be at all hopeful are the oldest ones. Mostly just Lauren. Because she needs to see how beautiful she is. She needs some confidence.
I don't know how I did it, but I think I've found some confidence. And it makes life a better place.
Play it up Lauren. Smile and talk back. Nothing serious, I know, but provoking doesn't usually hurt. You will see someday that you are a beautiful person. Someone will make you see since I can't seem to.

And I've run out of things to say. Well, that's not true. It's just late and I haven't gotten enough sleep lately so I'm really tired. I'll keep you posted on this show. And the boys. And life.

In the meantime, I'll be enjoying the heat of summer. And dreaming of what tomorrow brings.