Moments That Must Remain Just....Fleeting

Everybody deserves to be adored
Why would you settle for less
When the world gives you more?

"I want someone to take beautiful pictures...
Is that weird?
I love the look of people in black and white. Put to film. I find the pictures of others and wonder if someone finds them of me. I want someone to see me through the lens. Rule of thirds me into their pictures. Note the lighting. The Contrast.
Some nice back light. An interesting setting. I'll smile or not.
Just someone, take some beautiful pictures."


"She fell and he didn't. That is always a tragic situation."

"It’s timeless with you. The day moves on, everything is a little more beautiful. I don’t understand myself around you. Things come more easily and you could probably get me to do anything."


"-I forget everyday of my life that you wear glasses."
"-What? Oh, yeah, I do too."

"I still can not move. My fingers tap but my shoulders sink.
Maybe I’m afraid that too many other sensory additions will make me forget today. Why is it that with you I always want to remember the mundane?"


"When she brings him up, I get really uncomfortable. I don't want to say negative things about him and I can't say positive things around her.
I just fall quiet and listen and shake my head.
I feel like I betray them both."

I wish you would kiss my forehead again and let me dance on your shoes.

"For the last time with the blue seats. The walls that used to be a pumpkin orange. Hawaiian shirts. The lights dim. He was late. A final Ooh that I don't participate in. The announcement of efficiency. Don't get hurt.

I almost fear today. New and Old in charge mix like water and vinegar."

I just want to pick up and leave so badly in stirs my insides. To the point where I almost drive past my highway exit every day. There's something exciting behind the cardboard cutout mountains that I have always lived east of. No plan. Just wherever the road goes.



"I want to find a moment, when I have nothing waiting and find myself. Realize myself.
I want to take a risk. And have something I could lose. I'm starting to dislike this safety I live in."

Lately, I don’t think you of you at all
Or wonder what you’re up to or how you’re getting on
I never think of calling you or how things could have been
Or wonder where you sleep at night or whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone I don’t need you anymore

I've been finding songs lately that make me think of you. And I'm pretty sure not only would you hate every song, but you'd hate what they're saying about you. And it's just too bad. Because I really like them. 

I'm glad you're not calling and not answering. I can't really handle talking to you right now anyway. I know you're done. But you should know that I am too.

"He sits next to me listening and to himself. Turned away as if to pretend I'm not here.
Though,
I don't really open up myself.
How did we get to this?
And what if we never speak of it, never address it? Is it going to be left alone, never finished.
I saw it coming to an end, but never like this.
With gentle silence and heavy glances. He'll never say a word."

But you don't want love
Keeping you awake at night


From the beginning, they were for me.

"Empty theatre are romantic.
Perhaps that's why I find myself at home in mine. Why the theatre is my favorite place to visit or work.
There is potential and expectation. The buzz of excitement.
And if you are there alone. Or sharing it another.
There's magic.
It's the only place I've known love."

Time is short and I'm sure
There must be something more
You thought you might be a ghost
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn't get to heaven, but you made it close



And just as it began, it ended. The author of my life must really enjoy foreshadowing.



"I guess it was a conversation I'd been waiting to have with her for awhile. And just as they always happen the car was dark, the windows cracked and I was nervous her brother might be hiding in the grass again. We approached this subject with tentative and allusive statements. And there was irony all over the place."

I can't keep running away from growing up.

"Phone calls can only go so far and for so long. I don't want to lose this. How do I say goodbye?
Probably like every other time. We'll talk until the sun is almost rising and then there will be tears and quiet and having nothing to say after hours of conversation.
And you'll stand on the driveway.
And I will drive away with beads of sorrow falling onto the steering wheel and not know how to stop.

We've always had a flair for the dramatic."

It's dark in places I can't explain.
Yesterday is gone.

"And there was sadness.

The kind that hits under the heart, behind the eyes and sinks there.
And when you think it's gone, it sneaks back and it stings. Just raw and it stings."


The hug and the kiss and I was done. Like being on the wrong side of the river the ferry won't be returning to and there was no getting back and nothing he could do about it. I can't remember what was said. But it was like speaking at my own funeral. How do I want to be remembered? Just promise you won't forget.
Promise that you won't forget me.

"And when the sadness was over, the night was perfect. With people I love. From the bottom of my heart, I have loved growing up with them and watching them grow up.

My watch doesn't know how to fit right yet.
How very much like I feel. I don't know how to sit right with this feeling yet."

Do I have the right to complain about this? When I used to not have it and not want it... now I don't want what I have. It's not for lack of trying, he went above and beyond and there and back again. He is just not the right person. Is it fair that I feel bad for just really wanting to keep things the way they are?

Time, time, time.

Lots of things today. 

To say. 

That I feel. 

That I want. 

That don't exist. 

Have become suddenly unfair. 

I can't really grasp the everything that is going on at the moment. I choose to just sit and watch it. Like a I'm watching rapids rush around me and everyone else is jumping in, but I'm so busy watching and I'm too afraid to even stick my foot in to test the water. Oh, I've thrown my pebbles and twigs, but they don't stick. 

LT said it in reference to herself. I think it holds true here too. 

I'm not being fair to myself. 

I shouldn't have to be controlled by the whims of others. I have no problem standing up for myself. It's just really hard when I'm not sure what I'm standing up for. 

I've been questioning everything lately. From my own personal morals, the things I used be believe as fact, the friends I thought I trusted, the schools I thought I wanted. Suppressed desires are resurfacing and I can't make up my mind or appease anything. 

And time's over there in the corner tapping it's foot. It reminds me less then subtly that I'm almost out. 

And yet, I'm not almost out at all. I have a good seventy years left if all goes well. So why do I feel so pressured by the hypothetical tomorrow?

A couple of days ago I talked about how happy I am with my current situations. And true as it is that I'm happy with Rainbow, I'm not happy at home. At home I am a child and in my mind I am not. I can't be allowed to think for myself when I'm at home. And I shouldn't when I'm part of their family unit. I have responsibilities to uphold for them. But at the moment, selfishly, my priority is myself. I have to figure it out. I'm not even sure if I can do it right now. And I've longed for this independence since my 12th birthday. I need to remove myself. Because I can not come home anymore to their ridiculousness. It further clouds my thoughts. I can't deal with my mom talking about college when she has it all wrong. She doesn't believe there is a such things as early admissions, or that my SAT scores or that my GPA or that I am enough to get into any school. And as much as I know that, while average, my SAT scores will get me into a college and my GPA is a 4.2 if you take into consideration that I take the hardest classes I can, and always have- it's becoming tiring to remind myself I can succeed. 

I can't start believing her because it's already hard enough to try and get things done when she's making me believe I'll fail. I need her for a support. Her concern about the wrong things and refusing to believe when I tell her otherwise is bringing me down. I'm not getting anywhere the longer I stay in this house where I am held back by the child I used to be. It's tough, but I have to grow up now. 

It's funny how I use Rainbow as my escape. Molly is in trouble for some bad grade she got and whenever she is in trouble my mom finds something to be upset with me about. My house is hostile at the moment. So, I go to crew call. And Kris shares his wisdom. And we talk about politics. Which hurts my head just enough to forget about coming home to silent stares that speak soliloquies. 

Regarding other things I can't explain right now:

I want to be in the studio theatre show so badly! Script sounds good. Interesting. Intimate setting- I've always found that tricky. There the subtleties really do count because the audience is so close.  Also, I've always wanted a romantic role. And if it is what she says it is, this could be lots of fun. Except watch Ali or Michael or Chris get the other role. Although, I'm not sure who I would rather it be. Just someone fun.

Who knows. There are lots of girls. 

Also, don't have my monologues for CalArts yet. It's a really good thing I memorize things quickly. I keep thinking maybe I should do one of the ones I've already rehearsed,d but I don't know if any of them are really appropriate. 

The Shakespeare one will be the hardest. 

Also, because I should get going, to the boy who will never read this and wouldn't understand it was for him if he did, I just want to hold your hand. I wasn't clear before. And you think I've let it go. But it's still there. And that's what I want. We have before. In situations where I don't think it counted. I was too pushy before at the worst time I could have been. We didn't talk about it. And we probably never will. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opportunity and obligation overwhelm me.
I need plans. Laid out. For me to follow.

I know I'll figure it out. If not this moment, soon. It'll come to me. I'll get there. I'll grow up. Now I just have to wait.

Cool?

I am my Own Secret

I just don't know what to say anymore.

No.

I think I have too much to say.

Because I never say anything.

I don't know where to begin anymore. How to end. Or what is going to happen in the middle.

I guess... I'll just..go and see where this takes me.

School started. It's slow. I'm taking too many classes and I'm hoping they'll switch my schedule around. I miss the way things were last year.

You know, I've been getting really sick lately of being dismissed.

I don't know how else to describe it. It just seems that when I attempt to have conversations with well, whoever, I'm not allowed to make a good point. They always have to be the right ones even if it means restating the things I had just mentioned. I feel completely inadequate. I don't know if I really do have nothing of importance to say or if they have some complex that doesn't allow others add thoughts to their intelligent rants. I think I've just been hypersensitive to this sort of thing lately, but everyone is doing it to me.

Also, I feel like, in situations like arguments, everyone else is allowed to go as far as they want in their attack of me, but if I come close to that with them they shoot it down as cruel. I know that I am being the ridiculous one here, but why do I feel like I'm being shot down by everyone. It makes me really hesitant to offer my advice. I just want to be the one to prove some sort of intelligent statement. I need to be told I'm right sometimes.

Teenage angsty of me, but I'm just not really happy with who I am right now. I mean, I'm happy, but I'm sick of myself. I don't want the way I see myself in my head to be so different from the way I present myself to everyone else. Everyone thinks they have me figured out, but there is some much to me that I don't let anyone see for some reason. It hinders me in most things I do too. My lack of confidence has a lot to do with why I keep to myself but, in the right situations, I can be outgoing.I just want that to more often. I don't like fading in anymore. I'm done being the nice, quiet girl that people have seen, but don't really know.

I want to impress.

And I've found myself lately searching for the approval of people I already thought approved of me. I don't know why I need all of this reassurance lately, but I'm getting really frustrated with it.

There's so much I want to change. I just feel like I'm stuck in the mold I've created. I just want people to think twice next time before they jump to conclusions on my personality.

I need to start small but I think I can do it. A lot of things will be changing soon. I'm hoping a lot of change will come with my 18th birthday. To some, it's just another day. But, for me, it's my release from this prison. I just hope I'm different on the other side.

I have so much more to say and no time currently. I am busy. And honestly, content. I will write sooner.

Another Letter I Wish You'd See

Yes. I am aware this all could have been avoided if I had only bowed my head and apologized.

But, I was told to not apologize unless I mean it. Because what is the use of an empty apology?A band aid for a problem that really needs stitches.

We don't see eye to eye here, I know. But, for once I am upset. I am not going to give in to you. For 17 years I've given in to your silly rules and harsh guidelines. You were cruel to 4 year old me. To 8 year old me. 13 year old me. I can only remember a few times when I stood up for myself and only one time when I truly deserved my punishment. Let us step into the way back machine. Let me bring up some painful memories you have suppressed into oblivion.

This will seem ridiculous to you that I remember. But, I vividly do. I could not have been more then 6. It was early in the morning and Molly and I had been playing dress up. We were in her room. Clothes were all over the floor and I was picking another jewel off of the dress-up trunk. I liked to peel the glue off. I liked to play with the colored plastic gems. I was 6. I do not remember the reason you yelled at me. It wasn't because I hit Molly or broke anything. I want to say it was because I was pulling those jewels off. But, I just can't imagine that sparked the conflict that followed. You were furious with me for the rest of the day. You slapped me. Molly was crying. I remember things in a blur. I remember that after you sent me to my room I took my clothes and put them in my back pack and grabbed my teddy bear and walked out the front door. I walked to the end of my street and realized that I was being stupid. I couldn't go anywhere you would not find me. So, I sat with my bear on the edge of my driveway. It didn't take long for you to come outside. I was expecting you to be crying. On TV they were always sad. But, you yelled at me. Told me to try to find somewhere else to live. See if someone else would give it to me as good as I had it. You finally broke into hysterics and gave in. You let me watch My Little Pony in your bed and everything between us was fine again. I wish I knew what was going through your head when you got mad at us as children.

I still think that the Wednesday of spring break when I was eight was one of the worst days of my life. It makes you so angry that I remember. We were going to go to Toys R Us after we got all of our books sorted ready to give away. Molly and I were sorting them in the loft and you starting yelling at us because we weren't done soon enough. I'm not kidding. You were yelling because we didn't sort it fast enough. I'm sure I said something to was borderline rude or sarcastic or "flip" or something because you just exploded from there. We were each sent to our rooms. I started frantically cleaning because, knowing you, anything would set you off. I know Molly was doing the same. Molly's room comes first in the hallway and so she fell pry to your attack first. I remember her scream. I rushed out of my room and yelled at you to stop. This is the first time I remember standing up to you. You were surprised. You were removing everything from her room. It was her doll that you took from her that made her scream. She was still a child whose life was centered around imaginative games with her dolls. And you were taking that away. You hit me and came into my room next and started taking things out. I was crying. You made a nice pile right in front of the stairs of all of the toys we had. With our rooms barren you took our drawers and dumped all of the clothes on the floor. The fact that our drawers were always messy has always upset you. You went downstairs to probably sit on your ass and watch tv. We cleaned. I remember coming downstairs sometime later to beg for forgiveness. I wanted my toys back. I wanted my room back. I didn't want you to be mad anymore. You asked me if my room was clean. (Oh Princess, did you clean up your room?) You yelled at me for something else. (No? Of course not. Why would Princess have to do any work in this house?) Whatever it was, you threw me to the floor. You started screaming at me like I've never known. You picked me up and dropped me back calling me Princess all the while. I don't remember the rest of that day but that pile of toys you used as a reward system. We could get a toy back whenever we didn't do something wrong. Until you got sick of that and just gave it all back.

The only time I remember you getting mad at me for any sort of real reason was when I was in 7th grade. At that point I was terrified of you knowing about any of my bad grades. I could only get As. So, when I got lost in math and had a D on the progress report you were supposed to sign, not report card- no...just the sort of check up that I hate- I knew I couldn't show it to you. You would have killed me. So, in a nervous fit, I signed Dad's name and turned it in. I really should have known she would catch me. She called while I was starting to eat diner- soup. I watched you and remembered your hysterical voice. The food disappeared. You sent me upstairs. I sat and waited for you. Again, I had frantically cleaned my room. You came up and yelled and demanded. I explained myself the best I could through my tears. You told me you were going to call the cops. You told me to run away. I told you I wanted to. Now, I was at fault here. I think you still reacted badly, but I did do something I wasn't supposed to. I should not have signed his name. And for once, your punishment was effective. I will never forge someones name again.

But, this situation is so different for all of those. This is a situation where I am going to argue if there is even a situation. For once, I am going to stay upset about this until you can talk to me like I'm an adult. I wasn't kidding when I said it was abuse. It was. And those were not the only times- oh no. I've learned your scare tactics and as much as I wish they didn't still work on me -they do. You hold all the power. And you love to take away my little freedoms. You are the bully on the playground that has to be bigger then all the littler kids. You have to assert authority over someone you know you already have control over.
Tonight you declared you want utter control over my life.
You have to know where I am every moment.
I just wish I had done something legitimately wrong.
I just don't think it's fair. Recently at least, I have never, ever done something to make you suspect that I wasn't worthy of your trust. Excuse my conceit, cockiness- whatever, but you are lucky. I have never done anything illegal. I have never gotten drunk or high. All because you are stuck in the back of my head censoring my every movement. You already control my every move. I don't need you officially doing it. This is such a stupid week to be having this stupid fight. I keep thinking, in respect of recent events, about the parents who would give anything to have their children again. That father just kept saying how he wished he could tell his son one more time how proud he was of him. I wonder about you sometimes. I don't need your approval. At this point, I just wish you could let me live for me. Why do we bother fighting?It's so stupid. Such wasted breath that leads to futile regret. Can we please just talk about this?
I want to have the little freedom to be able to make the choice that I can go out to eat lunch with my friends after school and come home at 4:30 without telling you. And you can call me if you are worried. I have been making more important life decisions for myself without telling you long before now. You know nothing about the colleges I want to go to. About the things I do at school And honestly, that's more important then all of this. I think I just want you to see the bigger picture. Stop reasserting your authority. It's not a matter of respect. I respect you. But, I'm done with you not respecting me. You are such a child sometimes. You're only power is your voice.
You said you were going to tighten the leash. You pull the leash and the harder the dog pulls the other direction.
You're going to lose me. You're going to force me away. I want to talk about this. I want to talk about this. I will go crazy if you don't give me some freedom to think and make choices for myself.

I'm sorry none of this makes sense. I'm so sad. And so angry. I can't seem to express the problem or how I feel about it.

I don't know what to do. I need to talk to someone about it. I am at fault. I know. But, I really think this is bigger then that. I want to be treated the way I should be. Every person does.
Someone tell me what I should do. Someone just talk with me about this.

Funny, I ask someone to tell me what I should do when all of this is about thinking for myself.

It's days like these when I remember I am just like everyone else.

The topic of this entry frustrates me before I've even started writing what it is. Just the idea that I feel compelled to write this entry pains me. But, I want to. I need to.

Welcome to being 17.

Here you are trapped behind that number. It defines you as a person in both your intellectual capabilities and your physical. It decides what you truly care about and what you deserve to have a say in.
I suppose it's always that way. And I've always been and will most likely continue to be annoyed about it beyond my fill.

Tonight was not the night for this to happen. I was going to enjoy the fact that its technically my Friday. I leave for Reno tomorrow. And tonight I was going to actually sit at my desk and NOT do homework and then clean my room. It was just my understanding that I needed to have it clean before Reno.

Still, as this always happens, my parents get sick of how my room is not clean at the most inconvenient times. They are just so idiotic about it. And I stay calm through all of their ridiculous rage. In fact, I take a little joy in seeing how far I can push them. Which is stupid on my part but I have got to win some of these battles. Even if it's the self-created kind.

I've been busy. Really, really busy. I sacrifice my sleep for my homework and my sanity. I've been averaging three and a half hours a night. For the past week or more. It's starting to effect my heath. I get this splitting headaches when I start to get tired.

I'm sorry but I've found better things to do then put my laundry away. There are greater things in the world then a dirty room. Yes, this is about a dirty room. I thought we were over this. I could be doing inappropriate things with me time, illegally inappropriate, but I spend it all at community theatre, and you waste all of this rage, and I do mean rage, on the pile of laundry.

It makes me sad.

Ah! There is so much I wanted to say about this. I had some really great thoughts and some really great points. But, I am tired beyond the point of proper functioning and my head is beginning to ache. I'm sorry for the stupid rant. I'll redeem myself later I promise. I just wanted a post before I left and I had the material so there.

I am spontaneous in my dreams.

My heart is standing on the edge of a cliff.

And I can't decide if it would be more fun to jump off into the vulnerable unknown or resort to retreating into the comfortable warm solid land.

My insides have been thrown onto an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm forced to change the way I feel drastically from one moment to the next. And they twist and turn in defense.

The feeling of dread, doubt and worry has not left the pit of my stomach for a week. Not to say I haven't been happy. I spend a lot of my time happy, I just do it with this ever lasing feeling of guilt and worry. Have I gone too far? Am I not prepared enough? Why couldn't I help more? Do I look out of place? Am I doing the right thing? Could I have gone further? Do I look stupid?

I love the idea of being thought about by and cared for by another person. To be sought after and wanted. To have someone to laugh with and cry to and talk about monkeys and speedboats with. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to happen with -. I just haven't found the right things to say. I need to learn how to do the right things that are just spontaneous enough and not too much. I think a stronger friendship might be the first step. He's been stressed out lately and I wish I could help. I saw his ex?-girlfriend yesterday. What is she that I am not? Maybe I'm actually trying too hard. But, why is it okay for him to decide when to be flirty. I need to lean. I will. I just don't want to be doughnuts for diner.

That sounded dirty and it wasn't supposed to.

It's from Title of Show. Anyway.

Moving on.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings. Scott intimidates me. Even though he is the older Capt. Fab.
I'm afraid of not being ready. And what he will tell me.

I need someone else for me right now. People come to me and I can't talk. I just think about how no one could possibly care. Is it bad to want to learn to talk about myself when others ask?

Is it bad to be worried about being single at 17? I had being that stupid desperate dateless girl. I am not outgoing enough to be noticed. Is that it? Is there something else? I hope college changes my lonely state. I would love, though, to have a date for prom. So, maybe things will be fixed before college. I'm trying to be positive.

USC sent me a letter today. Yes, they send a similar one to everyone, but it was still amazing.

I need to feed Ricky.

Oh geez. I'm going to be late.



I'm happy. I will tell myself that every day. Today will be a great day.

How I Always End Up in the Middle of These Things.

Opening shot of a close-up of closed eyes. They flutter open as the camera slowly zooms out to reveal Jo's face. She takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts and, as if she's putting on a mask, her face breaks into a smile and she begins to speak.
Josephine:
Hello. My name is Josephine Elizabeth Porter . . .
FADE TO BLACK
V.O.:
And today I'll be performing a selection from. . . FADE OUT

(edited)


It seems, in my life, I always end up in the middle of every conflict. I find convicing testimony on both sides of the argurment and this has gotten me in trouble with my friends, teachers and parents. I sometimes find myself playing the devil's advocate, but usually I'm trying to keep the peace even if it means saying awful things about one person to make the other feel better. I find later I'm standing up for you and for them. Both of you to the other.
Recently, I've found myself gravitating towards your side of the arguments. I'm ignoring the others more and trying to help you. You are not the burden I think you assume you are. I am your friend and I am expected to be there for you and I always will be. Because I like it that way. I wish, I've said it before, I could make you see things the way I do. But, who is to say I've got it right. I just wish you could be more...open with me. I just want to help. And I hope I'm doing enough. It worries me that you're not happy.

Soon this will all be resolved. Something will happen and everything will return to the way it was. I want you to remember to be cautious around them in the future. Remember what they've done to you. But, should you let yourself be swept away in their glory and then they return into seclusion again, I'm still here for you. Like a Buzz Lightyear toy tossed out the window, I'll grab the next pizza truck and find my way back and wait.

Well, I didn't want tonight's post to end on that note. It's not as negative as it may sound. It really shouldn't be negative at all. We're going to go to college and room together in a fabulous apartment overlooking our perfect city beside the glorious Raviv and Adam. They'll fall in love with our wit and charm and they'll allow you to reach the status were Dan will notice you. And you can leave me for London and find the next one there.

Everything will work out. No one wants to see the stories with the unhappy endings.

And you will have a happy ending.