Moments That Must Remain Just....Fleeting

Everybody deserves to be adored
Why would you settle for less
When the world gives you more?

"I want someone to take beautiful pictures...
Is that weird?
I love the look of people in black and white. Put to film. I find the pictures of others and wonder if someone finds them of me. I want someone to see me through the lens. Rule of thirds me into their pictures. Note the lighting. The Contrast.
Some nice back light. An interesting setting. I'll smile or not.
Just someone, take some beautiful pictures."


"She fell and he didn't. That is always a tragic situation."

"It’s timeless with you. The day moves on, everything is a little more beautiful. I don’t understand myself around you. Things come more easily and you could probably get me to do anything."


"-I forget everyday of my life that you wear glasses."
"-What? Oh, yeah, I do too."

"I still can not move. My fingers tap but my shoulders sink.
Maybe I’m afraid that too many other sensory additions will make me forget today. Why is it that with you I always want to remember the mundane?"


"When she brings him up, I get really uncomfortable. I don't want to say negative things about him and I can't say positive things around her.
I just fall quiet and listen and shake my head.
I feel like I betray them both."

I wish you would kiss my forehead again and let me dance on your shoes.

"For the last time with the blue seats. The walls that used to be a pumpkin orange. Hawaiian shirts. The lights dim. He was late. A final Ooh that I don't participate in. The announcement of efficiency. Don't get hurt.

I almost fear today. New and Old in charge mix like water and vinegar."

I just want to pick up and leave so badly in stirs my insides. To the point where I almost drive past my highway exit every day. There's something exciting behind the cardboard cutout mountains that I have always lived east of. No plan. Just wherever the road goes.



"I want to find a moment, when I have nothing waiting and find myself. Realize myself.
I want to take a risk. And have something I could lose. I'm starting to dislike this safety I live in."

Lately, I don’t think you of you at all
Or wonder what you’re up to or how you’re getting on
I never think of calling you or how things could have been
Or wonder where you sleep at night or whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone I don’t need you anymore

I've been finding songs lately that make me think of you. And I'm pretty sure not only would you hate every song, but you'd hate what they're saying about you. And it's just too bad. Because I really like them. 

I'm glad you're not calling and not answering. I can't really handle talking to you right now anyway. I know you're done. But you should know that I am too.

"He sits next to me listening and to himself. Turned away as if to pretend I'm not here.
Though,
I don't really open up myself.
How did we get to this?
And what if we never speak of it, never address it? Is it going to be left alone, never finished.
I saw it coming to an end, but never like this.
With gentle silence and heavy glances. He'll never say a word."

But you don't want love
Keeping you awake at night


From the beginning, they were for me.

"Empty theatre are romantic.
Perhaps that's why I find myself at home in mine. Why the theatre is my favorite place to visit or work.
There is potential and expectation. The buzz of excitement.
And if you are there alone. Or sharing it another.
There's magic.
It's the only place I've known love."

Time is short and I'm sure
There must be something more
You thought you might be a ghost
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn't get to heaven, but you made it close



And just as it began, it ended. The author of my life must really enjoy foreshadowing.



"I guess it was a conversation I'd been waiting to have with her for awhile. And just as they always happen the car was dark, the windows cracked and I was nervous her brother might be hiding in the grass again. We approached this subject with tentative and allusive statements. And there was irony all over the place."

I can't keep running away from growing up.

"Phone calls can only go so far and for so long. I don't want to lose this. How do I say goodbye?
Probably like every other time. We'll talk until the sun is almost rising and then there will be tears and quiet and having nothing to say after hours of conversation.
And you'll stand on the driveway.
And I will drive away with beads of sorrow falling onto the steering wheel and not know how to stop.

We've always had a flair for the dramatic."

It's dark in places I can't explain.
Yesterday is gone.

"And there was sadness.

The kind that hits under the heart, behind the eyes and sinks there.
And when you think it's gone, it sneaks back and it stings. Just raw and it stings."


The hug and the kiss and I was done. Like being on the wrong side of the river the ferry won't be returning to and there was no getting back and nothing he could do about it. I can't remember what was said. But it was like speaking at my own funeral. How do I want to be remembered? Just promise you won't forget.
Promise that you won't forget me.

"And when the sadness was over, the night was perfect. With people I love. From the bottom of my heart, I have loved growing up with them and watching them grow up.

My watch doesn't know how to fit right yet.
How very much like I feel. I don't know how to sit right with this feeling yet."

Do I have the right to complain about this? When I used to not have it and not want it... now I don't want what I have. It's not for lack of trying, he went above and beyond and there and back again. He is just not the right person. Is it fair that I feel bad for just really wanting to keep things the way they are?

Time, time, time.

Lots of things today. 

To say. 

That I feel. 

That I want. 

That don't exist. 

Have become suddenly unfair. 

I can't really grasp the everything that is going on at the moment. I choose to just sit and watch it. Like a I'm watching rapids rush around me and everyone else is jumping in, but I'm so busy watching and I'm too afraid to even stick my foot in to test the water. Oh, I've thrown my pebbles and twigs, but they don't stick. 

LT said it in reference to herself. I think it holds true here too. 

I'm not being fair to myself. 

I shouldn't have to be controlled by the whims of others. I have no problem standing up for myself. It's just really hard when I'm not sure what I'm standing up for. 

I've been questioning everything lately. From my own personal morals, the things I used be believe as fact, the friends I thought I trusted, the schools I thought I wanted. Suppressed desires are resurfacing and I can't make up my mind or appease anything. 

And time's over there in the corner tapping it's foot. It reminds me less then subtly that I'm almost out. 

And yet, I'm not almost out at all. I have a good seventy years left if all goes well. So why do I feel so pressured by the hypothetical tomorrow?

A couple of days ago I talked about how happy I am with my current situations. And true as it is that I'm happy with Rainbow, I'm not happy at home. At home I am a child and in my mind I am not. I can't be allowed to think for myself when I'm at home. And I shouldn't when I'm part of their family unit. I have responsibilities to uphold for them. But at the moment, selfishly, my priority is myself. I have to figure it out. I'm not even sure if I can do it right now. And I've longed for this independence since my 12th birthday. I need to remove myself. Because I can not come home anymore to their ridiculousness. It further clouds my thoughts. I can't deal with my mom talking about college when she has it all wrong. She doesn't believe there is a such things as early admissions, or that my SAT scores or that my GPA or that I am enough to get into any school. And as much as I know that, while average, my SAT scores will get me into a college and my GPA is a 4.2 if you take into consideration that I take the hardest classes I can, and always have- it's becoming tiring to remind myself I can succeed. 

I can't start believing her because it's already hard enough to try and get things done when she's making me believe I'll fail. I need her for a support. Her concern about the wrong things and refusing to believe when I tell her otherwise is bringing me down. I'm not getting anywhere the longer I stay in this house where I am held back by the child I used to be. It's tough, but I have to grow up now. 

It's funny how I use Rainbow as my escape. Molly is in trouble for some bad grade she got and whenever she is in trouble my mom finds something to be upset with me about. My house is hostile at the moment. So, I go to crew call. And Kris shares his wisdom. And we talk about politics. Which hurts my head just enough to forget about coming home to silent stares that speak soliloquies. 

Regarding other things I can't explain right now:

I want to be in the studio theatre show so badly! Script sounds good. Interesting. Intimate setting- I've always found that tricky. There the subtleties really do count because the audience is so close.  Also, I've always wanted a romantic role. And if it is what she says it is, this could be lots of fun. Except watch Ali or Michael or Chris get the other role. Although, I'm not sure who I would rather it be. Just someone fun.

Who knows. There are lots of girls. 

Also, don't have my monologues for CalArts yet. It's a really good thing I memorize things quickly. I keep thinking maybe I should do one of the ones I've already rehearsed,d but I don't know if any of them are really appropriate. 

The Shakespeare one will be the hardest. 

Also, because I should get going, to the boy who will never read this and wouldn't understand it was for him if he did, I just want to hold your hand. I wasn't clear before. And you think I've let it go. But it's still there. And that's what I want. We have before. In situations where I don't think it counted. I was too pushy before at the worst time I could have been. We didn't talk about it. And we probably never will. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opportunity and obligation overwhelm me.
I need plans. Laid out. For me to follow.

I know I'll figure it out. If not this moment, soon. It'll come to me. I'll get there. I'll grow up. Now I just have to wait.

Cool?

Unwanted Involvment/ Saying The End.

No, I'm not dead.

I'm just running on empty. I've been busy. We just finished a show. It seems like everything is finishing. And everyone else will be moving on.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally lately and I just started letting some of that really show today.

I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. And I'm not good enough. For anyone. To you, Jason, my parents or anyone. I've been constantly confused, overwhelmed and feeling out of place. I don't know if you forget that I'm there sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I remember the things you say and I think I know more then what you give me credit for.
It broke my heart every single intermission that you started talking about how you felt like everyone hated you and you weren't wanted. Every conversation like that breaks my heart. I feel like every time you say something like that I need to remind you that I don't hate you and you mean more to me then I can say. I care about you. You matter to me. But then I start to feel redundant. And I feel like I don't matter. I'm not enough. You've been so sad. And I don't feel like there has been anything I could do to help.

I didn't know that I actually had to say this but, I was on your team. I'm always on your team.

I was more a bat boy then one of the players. But, I guess that's how it's been lately. And that's why I'm so sad and confused about this. We've always been the rock stars together and now I'm being reminded that I'm the guitar tech. The one who lingers around like they are involved, but everyone resents them being there hovering.

Now, you're the senior and I'm not. And you're right, it's not like there's anything either of us could do about it.

You've been preparing for your goodbye. I should have been for mine.

It will kill me tomorrow when you get up and I stay sitting on the floor. Maybe it's ridiculous that it matters to me this much. I know you think that it's stupid I'm crying when you're the one leaving. But I know you've been in my place. You have to know how it feels to be left behind.

I'm going to miss you. So, so much. That's why I'm so sad. I can't be involved with this. It almost feels like a none of my business situation. You keep telling me to stop crying. But I won't. I can't. Maybe I'm just afraid you're not going to miss me.

If it matters any at all, I'll be here waiting for you. Rainbow will be lonely. I guess I should make friends with the people my own age now. But, I'll stay and keep it for you. So when you come back from your great adventures and outgoing escapades I'll be here. I'll be here to listen when some creepy secret online porn star starts talking to you. I'll tell you, as much as it won't matter, what to do. I'm always going to be up for ice cream.

I know we have all summer and at least some of next year together, no I'm not skimming over that part. I just know that this chapter of our lives is wrapping up. And I've got to say goodbye to the connection that brought us so close.

I guess that's what growing up is. And I've said I'm looking forward to growing up.

So, I guess I say goodbye to you and wish you on to your next things with luck.

I'll be here for you when you need me. Don't forget your pinky promise. You better be at that reunion.

I love you.

Walking Paradox

A new post is long over due. I've been so caught up in my life lately that I forgot about this blog for a while. And it was kind of hard for a while to come back because of those stupid letters I wrote.
Things have been fixed with one of them and "progressed" with the other.
But, hardly enough.
He is...well....there are many stories I could tell about him. And while I'm driving Lauren crazy with them, I love talking about it. I'm afraid I've become one of those disgusting teenage girls. The ones who can only talk about the boys in their lives. I swear I'm more then that. I hope.
This is going to be short I can already tell you that, but I just wanted to leave a little update. Everything is going well. I am happy. Busy- very busy. But mostly happy.

I'll come back soon and tell you about the new show I'm in, drama in the studio, and whatever other interesting stories I can come up with.

I feel like telling some stories.
I hope everything is going beautifully for you.