Time, time, time.

Lots of things today. 

To say. 

That I feel. 

That I want. 

That don't exist. 

Have become suddenly unfair. 

I can't really grasp the everything that is going on at the moment. I choose to just sit and watch it. Like a I'm watching rapids rush around me and everyone else is jumping in, but I'm so busy watching and I'm too afraid to even stick my foot in to test the water. Oh, I've thrown my pebbles and twigs, but they don't stick. 

LT said it in reference to herself. I think it holds true here too. 

I'm not being fair to myself. 

I shouldn't have to be controlled by the whims of others. I have no problem standing up for myself. It's just really hard when I'm not sure what I'm standing up for. 

I've been questioning everything lately. From my own personal morals, the things I used be believe as fact, the friends I thought I trusted, the schools I thought I wanted. Suppressed desires are resurfacing and I can't make up my mind or appease anything. 

And time's over there in the corner tapping it's foot. It reminds me less then subtly that I'm almost out. 

And yet, I'm not almost out at all. I have a good seventy years left if all goes well. So why do I feel so pressured by the hypothetical tomorrow?

A couple of days ago I talked about how happy I am with my current situations. And true as it is that I'm happy with Rainbow, I'm not happy at home. At home I am a child and in my mind I am not. I can't be allowed to think for myself when I'm at home. And I shouldn't when I'm part of their family unit. I have responsibilities to uphold for them. But at the moment, selfishly, my priority is myself. I have to figure it out. I'm not even sure if I can do it right now. And I've longed for this independence since my 12th birthday. I need to remove myself. Because I can not come home anymore to their ridiculousness. It further clouds my thoughts. I can't deal with my mom talking about college when she has it all wrong. She doesn't believe there is a such things as early admissions, or that my SAT scores or that my GPA or that I am enough to get into any school. And as much as I know that, while average, my SAT scores will get me into a college and my GPA is a 4.2 if you take into consideration that I take the hardest classes I can, and always have- it's becoming tiring to remind myself I can succeed. 

I can't start believing her because it's already hard enough to try and get things done when she's making me believe I'll fail. I need her for a support. Her concern about the wrong things and refusing to believe when I tell her otherwise is bringing me down. I'm not getting anywhere the longer I stay in this house where I am held back by the child I used to be. It's tough, but I have to grow up now. 

It's funny how I use Rainbow as my escape. Molly is in trouble for some bad grade she got and whenever she is in trouble my mom finds something to be upset with me about. My house is hostile at the moment. So, I go to crew call. And Kris shares his wisdom. And we talk about politics. Which hurts my head just enough to forget about coming home to silent stares that speak soliloquies. 

Regarding other things I can't explain right now:

I want to be in the studio theatre show so badly! Script sounds good. Interesting. Intimate setting- I've always found that tricky. There the subtleties really do count because the audience is so close.  Also, I've always wanted a romantic role. And if it is what she says it is, this could be lots of fun. Except watch Ali or Michael or Chris get the other role. Although, I'm not sure who I would rather it be. Just someone fun.

Who knows. There are lots of girls. 

Also, don't have my monologues for CalArts yet. It's a really good thing I memorize things quickly. I keep thinking maybe I should do one of the ones I've already rehearsed,d but I don't know if any of them are really appropriate. 

The Shakespeare one will be the hardest. 

Also, because I should get going, to the boy who will never read this and wouldn't understand it was for him if he did, I just want to hold your hand. I wasn't clear before. And you think I've let it go. But it's still there. And that's what I want. We have before. In situations where I don't think it counted. I was too pushy before at the worst time I could have been. We didn't talk about it. And we probably never will. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Opportunity and obligation overwhelm me.
I need plans. Laid out. For me to follow.

I know I'll figure it out. If not this moment, soon. It'll come to me. I'll get there. I'll grow up. Now I just have to wait.

Cool?

How I Always End Up in the Middle of These Things.

Opening shot of a close-up of closed eyes. They flutter open as the camera slowly zooms out to reveal Jo's face. She takes a deep breath to collect her thoughts and, as if she's putting on a mask, her face breaks into a smile and she begins to speak.
Josephine:
Hello. My name is Josephine Elizabeth Porter . . .
FADE TO BLACK
V.O.:
And today I'll be performing a selection from. . . FADE OUT

(edited)


It seems, in my life, I always end up in the middle of every conflict. I find convicing testimony on both sides of the argurment and this has gotten me in trouble with my friends, teachers and parents. I sometimes find myself playing the devil's advocate, but usually I'm trying to keep the peace even if it means saying awful things about one person to make the other feel better. I find later I'm standing up for you and for them. Both of you to the other.
Recently, I've found myself gravitating towards your side of the arguments. I'm ignoring the others more and trying to help you. You are not the burden I think you assume you are. I am your friend and I am expected to be there for you and I always will be. Because I like it that way. I wish, I've said it before, I could make you see things the way I do. But, who is to say I've got it right. I just wish you could be more...open with me. I just want to help. And I hope I'm doing enough. It worries me that you're not happy.

Soon this will all be resolved. Something will happen and everything will return to the way it was. I want you to remember to be cautious around them in the future. Remember what they've done to you. But, should you let yourself be swept away in their glory and then they return into seclusion again, I'm still here for you. Like a Buzz Lightyear toy tossed out the window, I'll grab the next pizza truck and find my way back and wait.

Well, I didn't want tonight's post to end on that note. It's not as negative as it may sound. It really shouldn't be negative at all. We're going to go to college and room together in a fabulous apartment overlooking our perfect city beside the glorious Raviv and Adam. They'll fall in love with our wit and charm and they'll allow you to reach the status were Dan will notice you. And you can leave me for London and find the next one there.

Everything will work out. No one wants to see the stories with the unhappy endings.

And you will have a happy ending.