Life has Both a Major and Minor Key

I read over some of my ancient posts a couple of days ago.

I feel like I should censor the past. But, as 1984 should have taught us all, that is a dangerous thing to do. Perhaps they were not referring to blog entries. Perhaps it would not be particularly detrimental if I deleted some posts to anyone but myself.
Even if I think they are silly now, they were not then. Things happen. I should just accept who I used to be. And know:
Every morning I wake up, I'm somehow different from the morning prior.

I guess the stress of tomorrow is causing me to wonder about the past.

I was talking with my dad tonight, something that, sadly, doesn't happen very frequently due to differences in schedules and such. I've been so frustrated lately because I can't hold a job with Rainbow and school and I'm running out of money. Babysitting every Saturday night is nice. But 60 a week can't pay for college. Despite that it is physically impossible for me to spend 20 hours (more or less) a week at Rainbow and 35 at school, still function as a human being and hold a job. Anyway, he brought up that I could quit Rainbow (evoking my peels of laughter) and then retaliated saying that for the last show I should ask to be on usher crew or something relatively uninvolved so I could start a summer job. And then I started getting teary eyed and said that it would be really hard to be uninvolved for my last Rainbow show.
In fact, I'm thinking about stage-managing if I'm cast in the studio theatre show.
It will be my 31st theatrical production and the last with the company. For several years at least.
I have spent a third of my life in those theaters sweeping the stages, reciting my monologues, hanging the lights, building in the shop, dancing in the ballroom, laughing in the greenroom, sitting backstage pulling curtains, sitting in the booth calling the show. The 35 ensemble students and I.
That's where I grew up.
You are a child when you are 11. And from there until 18, one does a bit of growing.

With college applications, I've been forced to think a lot about letting all of that go too. I'm attached and it's pitiful how sad it makes me when I think about leaving. I just hope I can find a replacement stage that makes me as happy. And a replacement fatherly Kris, creepy J, supportive Karen and lovably crazy Toni. And thinking all of that make me feel like maybe I'm being ridiculous. I'm not so sure I'll really miss school. But, luckily, Rainbow is always there. And I'll always be welcomed back.

I should move on. I could go on about Rainbow for paragraphs upon paragraphs.

College is still a mystery. CalArts is still the dream. London is the fantasy. Reno will probably be the reality. Or maybe Webster. It could be really fun to go to St. Louis with all of my family. I would finally be in the loop and have the opportunity to befriend my beautiful cousins and help my aunt out with her grandchildren she's so selflessly adopted.
The future is boundless opportunity.
I can't limit myself. That would lead to unhappiness due to regret later on. Which is simply not worth it. I hope my friends are happy with their college choices. Some of them have been apprehensive when deciding where they want to go. And I'm a little disappointed with the ones who aren't really applying where they really want to. You can't be rejected. Or accepted. If you don't apply.

Hm. I really enjoyed how calm this week was. No show yet. Uneventful school. I'm trying to find a clear spot in my schedule where I can go volunteer at the elementary school like I used to. It amazing how much your making some copies or helping the problem math students with their multiplication can be a load off the teacher's minds. It's great to help out. And I love watching kids learn. Although I don't think I'd make a good teacher. I can handle my theatre classes when I get to teach but that's a little different then being responsible for a child's literacy.
Anyway, I need to get back into all of that again. Well, something at least. I'm sick of not contributing. Even if LT thinks it's silly. I'm going to go on Sunday, if it's still alright with everyone. We'll see.

"Everybody wants a hand and I'm too busy holding up the world."
-More Than Us by Travis (the song coincidentally playing as I typed that. I love that band)

Ah, I've missed blogs.
Thought they were pointless for awhile there. But I don't always agree with my past self so there you have it. I'm thinking about starting a new one. Once I get my new account. I'll put it on my website with my photography. Speaking of photography, I think I'll post some for closing. Just for kicks. And since I want to go to college for that too. So, until I feel like emoting again:

Everyone is perfect in their flaws.

Something else I've been enjoying: www.freerice.com

Unwanted Involvment/ Saying The End.

No, I'm not dead.

I'm just running on empty. I've been busy. We just finished a show. It seems like everything is finishing. And everyone else will be moving on.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally lately and I just started letting some of that really show today.

I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. And I'm not good enough. For anyone. To you, Jason, my parents or anyone. I've been constantly confused, overwhelmed and feeling out of place. I don't know if you forget that I'm there sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I remember the things you say and I think I know more then what you give me credit for.
It broke my heart every single intermission that you started talking about how you felt like everyone hated you and you weren't wanted. Every conversation like that breaks my heart. I feel like every time you say something like that I need to remind you that I don't hate you and you mean more to me then I can say. I care about you. You matter to me. But then I start to feel redundant. And I feel like I don't matter. I'm not enough. You've been so sad. And I don't feel like there has been anything I could do to help.

I didn't know that I actually had to say this but, I was on your team. I'm always on your team.

I was more a bat boy then one of the players. But, I guess that's how it's been lately. And that's why I'm so sad and confused about this. We've always been the rock stars together and now I'm being reminded that I'm the guitar tech. The one who lingers around like they are involved, but everyone resents them being there hovering.

Now, you're the senior and I'm not. And you're right, it's not like there's anything either of us could do about it.

You've been preparing for your goodbye. I should have been for mine.

It will kill me tomorrow when you get up and I stay sitting on the floor. Maybe it's ridiculous that it matters to me this much. I know you think that it's stupid I'm crying when you're the one leaving. But I know you've been in my place. You have to know how it feels to be left behind.

I'm going to miss you. So, so much. That's why I'm so sad. I can't be involved with this. It almost feels like a none of my business situation. You keep telling me to stop crying. But I won't. I can't. Maybe I'm just afraid you're not going to miss me.

If it matters any at all, I'll be here waiting for you. Rainbow will be lonely. I guess I should make friends with the people my own age now. But, I'll stay and keep it for you. So when you come back from your great adventures and outgoing escapades I'll be here. I'll be here to listen when some creepy secret online porn star starts talking to you. I'll tell you, as much as it won't matter, what to do. I'm always going to be up for ice cream.

I know we have all summer and at least some of next year together, no I'm not skimming over that part. I just know that this chapter of our lives is wrapping up. And I've got to say goodbye to the connection that brought us so close.

I guess that's what growing up is. And I've said I'm looking forward to growing up.

So, I guess I say goodbye to you and wish you on to your next things with luck.

I'll be here for you when you need me. Don't forget your pinky promise. You better be at that reunion.

I love you.

Olympian Serenity

(Title is a quote from my newest monologue for Toni's class. it's so angry and fun that even though I was skeptical about the content, I feel awesome when I preform it. Even though I have to yell at poor joey who just sits there. i apologize about that though pretty often.)

I felt like I needed a new post. And I'm still not done writing about Reno and all that occurred there. I'm sure I'll finish it eventually.

Spring break came a week too early this year. But, it's here and I'm not in school. Instead, I move into the studio theatre at 10 in the morning with a hot glue gun and emerge blinking into the sunlight at 2 only to come back at 5 and stay until 9.
That was a lot of numbers.
The director of this show is insane. He's invaded all of our designs and with amazing stealth, managed to turn all of them into exactly what he wanted without us noticing. I don't remember what I wanted originally, but it wasn't this Scotty. I feel sorry for the people who work with you at American Girl. Because you have no concept of concepts. And you are so picky. It's impressive, though, that no one will challenge you. No one ever questions your godly word. Even when your idea is ludicrous. It's amazing.
I was so looking forward to this interaction. I was looking forward to working with you. Because you have connections. And then you turned into an ass. What a let down.
(edited)

I'm also afraid of everyone else's reactions. To him. Because they all somehow know. And that is embarrassing. I can see every one's raised eyebrows. And giggly nudges. I feel I'll be making a lot of death threats to shut them up. I would really just rather he not find out how very much I talk about him. Right now at least. I mean even Kris knows about him. I can just hear him saying something overprotective. Or something. Maybe he wouldn't. But he would do something. Ha. I feel like I should warn anyone who comes with me to the theatre that coming is like him meeting my family. My huge dysfunctional, theatrical, judgemental family. I love them like family. They look out for me, like family. They are family.

It's odd to watch the company girls transform themselves around new boys. It clearly proves how boy deprived we are. Well, some of us. Maybe that's why I don't like Seth as much. Because of stuff elsewhere. Still, I think the girls get kind of silly with the swooning and all. And the only ones that have any right to be at all hopeful are the oldest ones. Mostly just Lauren. Because she needs to see how beautiful she is. She needs some confidence.
I don't know how I did it, but I think I've found some confidence. And it makes life a better place.
Play it up Lauren. Smile and talk back. Nothing serious, I know, but provoking doesn't usually hurt. You will see someday that you are a beautiful person. Someone will make you see since I can't seem to.

And I've run out of things to say. Well, that's not true. It's just late and I haven't gotten enough sleep lately so I'm really tired. I'll keep you posted on this show. And the boys. And life.

In the meantime, I'll be enjoying the heat of summer. And dreaming of what tomorrow brings.

Just a Mirror for the Sun

What do I say?

There is so much to say, I don't even know how to start.

Reno. I'll start with that.

Honestly, I had a fabulous time. It was the perfect mix of crazy and calm. Our plane was an hour late but I think it ended up being perfect because there wasn't much down time to get bored. Or uncomfortable. I felt important. I loved that what I sacrafice myself for is worth something to someone. It made me realize that there are greater things then high school. And somehow I'll fit into them.

The theatre company I'm in won the Govonor's Art's Award and it was a pretty big deal to all of us. I thought it was cool and all but I was more interested in the idea of performing for all of those people. To showcase our little company that should be so much bigger. What our perfomance really made me see though is just how prepared I am for the crazy unknown of other theatres. It didn't matter that no one there seemed to know what they were doing. We went with the flow and it all worked out. I felt like the adults standing in the wings watching were acutally impressed. And it was fun to perform in a foreign theatre. I felt like I was on tour.

Which makes me question how people can actually go on tour or can actually live through a tour. Right after we got our suitcases we filed into the vans and drove to the university, warming up in the car. (By singing to the radio) And then we met in the parking lot and did more warm-ups (By doing jumping jacks and other silly theatrical warm-ups). And then some man who thought he was pretty much the coolest thing ever came to find us becuase he was afraid we were not coming. He hurded us into the theatre (throught the catacomb like underbelly of the building, really) and onto this stage that everyone else thought was huge but I felt like it was kinda tiny. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to the marly and wood floor combo. And the over-head lights felt very oppressive. Anyway, they made it seem like we were not going to get the chance to run through the show but before I could figure out what was going on, we were. And this balding man in a suit was taking pictures. And people in nice clothes were flitting around everywhere watching us out of the corners of their eyes.

I don't think they expected the show they got. 

We did our pieces and I felt ...so proud of everyone. I wasn't nearly as nervous as I was afraid I'd be. Only 600 people or so. And more then anything, it was fun. 

We ate dinner at 11:30 after the most entertaining van ride to the hotel from UNR. Our van most defiantly could take your van in a cage match. Pretty much just because Kris is our driver. I have videos galore. 

I roomed with Sam which was mildly disappointing because I was so certain I would be rooming with Lauren. Which is funny. If I had roomed with Lauren....I wonder how things would have played out. I doubt talk of Strip Ice Bench Game rematches would be going around. And I probably wouldn't have a letter penned at 3 in the morning beginning, Caity, I think I'm a terrible person. 

But, that's okay. Because I was getting sick. Really sick. Near death ill. 

Which made meeting the Governor and visiting Virginia city so fun!!! Ha. 

Not a lot to say about Carson City except that it was cold the picture with the Gov. were tedious and we had more entertaining van conversation relating to how I hold all of the cards in any relationship I choose to enter, Devin's necklace is certainly going to fall off, the appeal of ancient ensemble members and several several several rounds of, who would you rather see naked. I never ever ever ever ever need to think about half of the people we talked about naked again. Man. Only in the cool van. Doubtful that they talked about that in Toni's van. 

Virginia City is pretty cool. I don't know if it was the fact that my equilibrium was so terrible that I felt like the world was tilting most of the day, but I felt like the whole city was going to fall into the valley below. It's perched on the mountain side and is simply ancient. They took us to an old theatre that was disappointingly being renovated but, the kind men let us in to look at the stage. Everyone has preformed there, Houdini, Mark Twain, many more. There was an actual raked stage. Which turned out to be a really slight incline. We sat in the boxes beside the stage still with the faded red velvet seats and the props still sitting back stage enchanted me.

Then the rest of the day was spent teetering around (quiet literally if you're me) buying impractical things from the antique shops. Oh. And the mood lipstick we actually got Kris and Josh to wear in the van ride back. Still greatest van ever!! At lunch I learned about the shenanigans of the night before and was only slightly disappointed I didn't get to participate. Next time. Even though they don't believe I would have played. Please don't underestimate me. Although KK's level is far passed mine. And I'm glad Josh can still be some what of a mystery to me. 

Plane was bumpy. Notes were obviously exchanged about Josh and I think a little piece of him died inside when you held his hand because you were scared of the turbulence, Lauren. I was just getting more sick and in my delirium I could see how you could confuse my using him for a support as something else. Although, it was not. I was falling over. 

I was disappointed when the trip ended. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. And the greatest Rainbow trip I've been on. Doing what I love with the people I love. Too bad I couldn't get out of bed for three days after. Whatever, I don't, Kris had or JB, I had it too. 

We need to road trip again.