Moments That Must Remain Just....Fleeting

Everybody deserves to be adored
Why would you settle for less
When the world gives you more?

"I want someone to take beautiful pictures...
Is that weird?
I love the look of people in black and white. Put to film. I find the pictures of others and wonder if someone finds them of me. I want someone to see me through the lens. Rule of thirds me into their pictures. Note the lighting. The Contrast.
Some nice back light. An interesting setting. I'll smile or not.
Just someone, take some beautiful pictures."


"She fell and he didn't. That is always a tragic situation."

"It’s timeless with you. The day moves on, everything is a little more beautiful. I don’t understand myself around you. Things come more easily and you could probably get me to do anything."


"-I forget everyday of my life that you wear glasses."
"-What? Oh, yeah, I do too."

"I still can not move. My fingers tap but my shoulders sink.
Maybe I’m afraid that too many other sensory additions will make me forget today. Why is it that with you I always want to remember the mundane?"


"When she brings him up, I get really uncomfortable. I don't want to say negative things about him and I can't say positive things around her.
I just fall quiet and listen and shake my head.
I feel like I betray them both."

I wish you would kiss my forehead again and let me dance on your shoes.

"For the last time with the blue seats. The walls that used to be a pumpkin orange. Hawaiian shirts. The lights dim. He was late. A final Ooh that I don't participate in. The announcement of efficiency. Don't get hurt.

I almost fear today. New and Old in charge mix like water and vinegar."

I just want to pick up and leave so badly in stirs my insides. To the point where I almost drive past my highway exit every day. There's something exciting behind the cardboard cutout mountains that I have always lived east of. No plan. Just wherever the road goes.



"I want to find a moment, when I have nothing waiting and find myself. Realize myself.
I want to take a risk. And have something I could lose. I'm starting to dislike this safety I live in."

Lately, I don’t think you of you at all
Or wonder what you’re up to or how you’re getting on
I never think of calling you or how things could have been
Or wonder where you sleep at night or whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone I don’t need you anymore

I've been finding songs lately that make me think of you. And I'm pretty sure not only would you hate every song, but you'd hate what they're saying about you. And it's just too bad. Because I really like them. 

I'm glad you're not calling and not answering. I can't really handle talking to you right now anyway. I know you're done. But you should know that I am too.

"He sits next to me listening and to himself. Turned away as if to pretend I'm not here.
Though,
I don't really open up myself.
How did we get to this?
And what if we never speak of it, never address it? Is it going to be left alone, never finished.
I saw it coming to an end, but never like this.
With gentle silence and heavy glances. He'll never say a word."

But you don't want love
Keeping you awake at night


From the beginning, they were for me.

"Empty theatre are romantic.
Perhaps that's why I find myself at home in mine. Why the theatre is my favorite place to visit or work.
There is potential and expectation. The buzz of excitement.
And if you are there alone. Or sharing it another.
There's magic.
It's the only place I've known love."

Time is short and I'm sure
There must be something more
You thought you might be a ghost
You thought you might be a ghost
You didn't get to heaven, but you made it close



And just as it began, it ended. The author of my life must really enjoy foreshadowing.



"I guess it was a conversation I'd been waiting to have with her for awhile. And just as they always happen the car was dark, the windows cracked and I was nervous her brother might be hiding in the grass again. We approached this subject with tentative and allusive statements. And there was irony all over the place."

I can't keep running away from growing up.

"Phone calls can only go so far and for so long. I don't want to lose this. How do I say goodbye?
Probably like every other time. We'll talk until the sun is almost rising and then there will be tears and quiet and having nothing to say after hours of conversation.
And you'll stand on the driveway.
And I will drive away with beads of sorrow falling onto the steering wheel and not know how to stop.

We've always had a flair for the dramatic."

It's dark in places I can't explain.
Yesterday is gone.

"And there was sadness.

The kind that hits under the heart, behind the eyes and sinks there.
And when you think it's gone, it sneaks back and it stings. Just raw and it stings."


The hug and the kiss and I was done. Like being on the wrong side of the river the ferry won't be returning to and there was no getting back and nothing he could do about it. I can't remember what was said. But it was like speaking at my own funeral. How do I want to be remembered? Just promise you won't forget.
Promise that you won't forget me.

"And when the sadness was over, the night was perfect. With people I love. From the bottom of my heart, I have loved growing up with them and watching them grow up.

My watch doesn't know how to fit right yet.
How very much like I feel. I don't know how to sit right with this feeling yet."

Do I have the right to complain about this? When I used to not have it and not want it... now I don't want what I have. It's not for lack of trying, he went above and beyond and there and back again. He is just not the right person. Is it fair that I feel bad for just really wanting to keep things the way they are?

Unwanted Involvment/ Saying The End.

No, I'm not dead.

I'm just running on empty. I've been busy. We just finished a show. It seems like everything is finishing. And everyone else will be moving on.

I've been in a really weird place emotionally lately and I just started letting some of that really show today.

I feel like I'm not wanted anymore. And I'm not good enough. For anyone. To you, Jason, my parents or anyone. I've been constantly confused, overwhelmed and feeling out of place. I don't know if you forget that I'm there sometimes, but I'm not stupid. I remember the things you say and I think I know more then what you give me credit for.
It broke my heart every single intermission that you started talking about how you felt like everyone hated you and you weren't wanted. Every conversation like that breaks my heart. I feel like every time you say something like that I need to remind you that I don't hate you and you mean more to me then I can say. I care about you. You matter to me. But then I start to feel redundant. And I feel like I don't matter. I'm not enough. You've been so sad. And I don't feel like there has been anything I could do to help.

I didn't know that I actually had to say this but, I was on your team. I'm always on your team.

I was more a bat boy then one of the players. But, I guess that's how it's been lately. And that's why I'm so sad and confused about this. We've always been the rock stars together and now I'm being reminded that I'm the guitar tech. The one who lingers around like they are involved, but everyone resents them being there hovering.

Now, you're the senior and I'm not. And you're right, it's not like there's anything either of us could do about it.

You've been preparing for your goodbye. I should have been for mine.

It will kill me tomorrow when you get up and I stay sitting on the floor. Maybe it's ridiculous that it matters to me this much. I know you think that it's stupid I'm crying when you're the one leaving. But I know you've been in my place. You have to know how it feels to be left behind.

I'm going to miss you. So, so much. That's why I'm so sad. I can't be involved with this. It almost feels like a none of my business situation. You keep telling me to stop crying. But I won't. I can't. Maybe I'm just afraid you're not going to miss me.

If it matters any at all, I'll be here waiting for you. Rainbow will be lonely. I guess I should make friends with the people my own age now. But, I'll stay and keep it for you. So when you come back from your great adventures and outgoing escapades I'll be here. I'll be here to listen when some creepy secret online porn star starts talking to you. I'll tell you, as much as it won't matter, what to do. I'm always going to be up for ice cream.

I know we have all summer and at least some of next year together, no I'm not skimming over that part. I just know that this chapter of our lives is wrapping up. And I've got to say goodbye to the connection that brought us so close.

I guess that's what growing up is. And I've said I'm looking forward to growing up.

So, I guess I say goodbye to you and wish you on to your next things with luck.

I'll be here for you when you need me. Don't forget your pinky promise. You better be at that reunion.

I love you.

Don't Censor Yourself.

"When your body says Go! Do this!, and your head says No! What are you thinking?!: go with what your body says because it's probably the more natural and correct instinct. You have to stop thinking, Caity."

Don't censor yourself.

Karen revealed to me today that that was the secret to a successful performance. And she was right. Letting go, ignoring the script and just doing made the monologue so much more natural, realistic and fun. But, beyond being great for performing, it's good advice for life. I felt so liberated to be so honest even though, in reality, I was pretending to be a 24 year old women without a cent to her name pleading with some ass to co-sign so I could get insurance on my car and move to Utah.

Anyway, I've wanted to do this ever since I saw that Ryan did. It's a little low, but I liked the concept. Sorta. Apparently everyone does them. Doesn't matter. I've created a completely un-censored list of things I wish I could tell people.


1) At the moment, the friends that are closest to me really dislike you. You've been "wronged" by them and they have been "wronged" by you. You are stubborn and don't appreciate what you have. I feel bad about saying this because I really thought we were friends at one point, I really thought you cared about me but now I just want to tell you that I think you are selfish and would appreciate it if you could please stop using me and everyone around you. I'm glad you got into college though. It's too bad we'll lose touch and you will spend the next four year getting drunk and high. It always happens to the brilliant people. I will miss you.
2) You are just like your "mother". I hope we have a good time together next year. And that I can find a hint of honesty in you.
3) You've made some interesting choices in your life but you sometimes do feel like a little sister to me. Despite the embarrassing fact that you have more experience in most fields. Still, you have no right to judge how attractive my future significant others are because you've dated some...interesting folks. And, of course, by some I mean 27ish. I enjoy talking to you. We've had a witty moment or two. What with Fred and Gansta me and all. Still, my heart will be broken when I find out who you lost it to. As your "sister" I have to care about these things. Don't be an idiot. I will kick you.
4) I love you. Never forget that. Don't let other people tell you what to do. Don't follow the crowd. Stand up for yourself. And be a little nicer. You are an amazing person.
5) Your brilliance is not excuse for erratic and rude behavior to the people closest to you. I've known you and you've known me through some hideous times. We were never friends. Don't think I think we were. My shy appearance and your arrogant attitude kept us apart and yet there was still some kind of connection. It made everything seem like an inside joke. Lately however, you've indirectly caused me a lot of trouble. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating her. Please stop before she goes crazy with worry and I get involved.
6) You are a little to much like everyone around you. Despite thinking you are such an individual. Also, please stop talking with your hands .
7) You are sorta annoying. I don't understand everyone's devotion to you or your desire to always command the attention in such a frightening, loud and sometimes violent way. You seek the pity. And just so you know, to be a poor starving college student, you should probably be paying for or at least be in college first. But still, we are friends. And at least for awhile I have a feeling it will stay this way.
8) I don't know why any of them go back to you. Am I the only one that sees through you? You are so very shallow. It makes me so sad because you have such potential. It's just hard to work with a two-faced bitch. I did have some fun with you back stage once or twice though. And, I'm sorry for that rude message I left you once when I thought you hadn't showed up for the performance.
9)Why did you lead me on? Why didn't you tell me? I know you think I don't know. I know you feel bad and slightly guilty. Yet, I still wished I kissed you. Just so I could have known.
10)You have no chance with her. You still have so much growing up to do. And a bit of modesty to gain. And no, I will never marry you.
11)I have some many things to say to you and I will never say any of them because your face just can't seem to muster an honest reaction. I want to see you raw and true. I've been getting close lately. I want to see your long perfected facade crack and crumble. We're going to have to be friends next year. Please don't steal them from me.
12) Get a life. Stop saying "Pimp", "Assfuck" and "Yo" in all of your sentences. It makes you seem really stupid. Also, emotions are real, yo. (See?). It's too bad it has to be this way. We used to be so close. But I can't let it go.
13)I like you. And that makes me kinda annoyed with myself because every other girl does too. I know you see it because you are using me for your entertainment now. At least you are nice about it. Still, I wish with all of my heart that you see me for more then just entertainment or you stop leading me on. It's just the nice guy thing I'm sure.
14) You are very nice. Not very many people make me laugh as much as you do. Or ask me such flattering questions. Don't let one slight defect hold you back from everything you should go on to do.
15) Please stop fixing your boxers in class and please don't watch me through the camera any more. It makes me uncomfortable. And creating the marriage scenarios. And the fights in the back room. And....
16)I wish you trusted me. And didn't over react so much. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry.
17)You mean more to me then I think you know. I really want you to be the successful one. You just need to have some faith and trust in yourself. It makes me ache inside that I can't make you see how beautiful and talented you are. I wish you wouldn't torture yourself some much worrying about other people but I guess that is just the way you are and I love you. Don't forget about me when you leave.


Well, that was entirely too bitchy. But I feel better. You should try it sometime.