Editorial: Please don't be sorry.

Auhlright, so in one sense:


"Aspects of a life, they confuse me. You and your thesis amuse me."
That was a horrible thing for me to do to you. I knew you would have thought that post was about you last night and I should have put a huge disclaimer on it saying it wasn't. It was more for KKFP and Capt. Fab. and the other memebers of the Only Here to Tell society. It's more for my sister who takes me for granted and is an all around pain. And for my parents who take me for granted, can't seem to spare me their trust and sometimes can't even tell me from my sister. But, so I don't get ranty and to change the subject: You need me to listen. And, for you, I'm only happy to comply.


"Tell me that you're alright. Yeah, everything is alright. Oh please, tell me that you're alright."
You are my closest friend. I hope you know this. I don't need to be your one and only. That's ridiculously elitist. No one else has written me a book of inside jokes before and put a hideous picture of me on the cover and have me still cherish it. You've done more for me then anyone in a long time. I need the support and comfort about the future that you provide.

I also look forward to seeing you. You are not my burden. Not to revisit painful times, but what upset me the most about the night you came to my house, was that you kept saying you wish you hadn't. People cry. And they need someone to feel comfortable crying in front of. I want you to be that person because I would hope you could help me if I ever came to you crying. I wish I had the opportunity to see you everyday and a more free schedule so I could go see you whenever you needed someone to talk to. Or maybe, you could drive or something and see me. But, my guard dog Morgan probably wouldn't let you in. She's fierce. To quote CP: Rawr.

I don't compare myself to them anymore. And it's not that I dislike them because I understand they are fascinating people. I just dislike the way they have treated you. And I've said it before and I'll stop saying it. I accept that you need them and hope that things are mended. Although, I do like knowing I get to be the Palomino.

"Must you make me laugh so much, It's bad enough we get along so well. . .One of these days, You'll miss your train, and come stay with me. . . We'll have drinks and talk about things. And any excuse to stay awake with you."
The big difference between us at the moment is, I expect you'll leave me. It's not a bad thing. I expect that you'll get caught up in your college thing and I'll understand that I'm not there. In fact, I almost hope that you find yourself so happy there that you forget about Las Vegas. I know that, if I lose you for a moment, I'll get you back when I can join you or when you come home. I know that it's inevitable and it would be stupid to hold you back. Still, saying goodbye will be immpossible. Everyone will be leaving me behind come August. Missing you will hurt the most. But, we'll communicate through blogs because we'll stay the lamos we have been. And I'll send you letters and presents from the home you'll leave behind. Because you're better then this place.

I care about you. I love you.

And for anyone who cares, I made very few of those icons. If you would like to know who did make them, feel free to comment and I'll make something up. Kidding.

Don't Censor Yourself.

"When your body says Go! Do this!, and your head says No! What are you thinking?!: go with what your body says because it's probably the more natural and correct instinct. You have to stop thinking, Caity."

Don't censor yourself.

Karen revealed to me today that that was the secret to a successful performance. And she was right. Letting go, ignoring the script and just doing made the monologue so much more natural, realistic and fun. But, beyond being great for performing, it's good advice for life. I felt so liberated to be so honest even though, in reality, I was pretending to be a 24 year old women without a cent to her name pleading with some ass to co-sign so I could get insurance on my car and move to Utah.

Anyway, I've wanted to do this ever since I saw that Ryan did. It's a little low, but I liked the concept. Sorta. Apparently everyone does them. Doesn't matter. I've created a completely un-censored list of things I wish I could tell people.


1) At the moment, the friends that are closest to me really dislike you. You've been "wronged" by them and they have been "wronged" by you. You are stubborn and don't appreciate what you have. I feel bad about saying this because I really thought we were friends at one point, I really thought you cared about me but now I just want to tell you that I think you are selfish and would appreciate it if you could please stop using me and everyone around you. I'm glad you got into college though. It's too bad we'll lose touch and you will spend the next four year getting drunk and high. It always happens to the brilliant people. I will miss you.
2) You are just like your "mother". I hope we have a good time together next year. And that I can find a hint of honesty in you.
3) You've made some interesting choices in your life but you sometimes do feel like a little sister to me. Despite the embarrassing fact that you have more experience in most fields. Still, you have no right to judge how attractive my future significant others are because you've dated some...interesting folks. And, of course, by some I mean 27ish. I enjoy talking to you. We've had a witty moment or two. What with Fred and Gansta me and all. Still, my heart will be broken when I find out who you lost it to. As your "sister" I have to care about these things. Don't be an idiot. I will kick you.
4) I love you. Never forget that. Don't let other people tell you what to do. Don't follow the crowd. Stand up for yourself. And be a little nicer. You are an amazing person.
5) Your brilliance is not excuse for erratic and rude behavior to the people closest to you. I've known you and you've known me through some hideous times. We were never friends. Don't think I think we were. My shy appearance and your arrogant attitude kept us apart and yet there was still some kind of connection. It made everything seem like an inside joke. Lately however, you've indirectly caused me a lot of trouble. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating her. Please stop before she goes crazy with worry and I get involved.
6) You are a little to much like everyone around you. Despite thinking you are such an individual. Also, please stop talking with your hands .
7) You are sorta annoying. I don't understand everyone's devotion to you or your desire to always command the attention in such a frightening, loud and sometimes violent way. You seek the pity. And just so you know, to be a poor starving college student, you should probably be paying for or at least be in college first. But still, we are friends. And at least for awhile I have a feeling it will stay this way.
8) I don't know why any of them go back to you. Am I the only one that sees through you? You are so very shallow. It makes me so sad because you have such potential. It's just hard to work with a two-faced bitch. I did have some fun with you back stage once or twice though. And, I'm sorry for that rude message I left you once when I thought you hadn't showed up for the performance.
9)Why did you lead me on? Why didn't you tell me? I know you think I don't know. I know you feel bad and slightly guilty. Yet, I still wished I kissed you. Just so I could have known.
10)You have no chance with her. You still have so much growing up to do. And a bit of modesty to gain. And no, I will never marry you.
11)I have some many things to say to you and I will never say any of them because your face just can't seem to muster an honest reaction. I want to see you raw and true. I've been getting close lately. I want to see your long perfected facade crack and crumble. We're going to have to be friends next year. Please don't steal them from me.
12) Get a life. Stop saying "Pimp", "Assfuck" and "Yo" in all of your sentences. It makes you seem really stupid. Also, emotions are real, yo. (See?). It's too bad it has to be this way. We used to be so close. But I can't let it go.
13)I like you. And that makes me kinda annoyed with myself because every other girl does too. I know you see it because you are using me for your entertainment now. At least you are nice about it. Still, I wish with all of my heart that you see me for more then just entertainment or you stop leading me on. It's just the nice guy thing I'm sure.
14) You are very nice. Not very many people make me laugh as much as you do. Or ask me such flattering questions. Don't let one slight defect hold you back from everything you should go on to do.
15) Please stop fixing your boxers in class and please don't watch me through the camera any more. It makes me uncomfortable. And creating the marriage scenarios. And the fights in the back room. And....
16)I wish you trusted me. And didn't over react so much. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry.
17)You mean more to me then I think you know. I really want you to be the successful one. You just need to have some faith and trust in yourself. It makes me ache inside that I can't make you see how beautiful and talented you are. I wish you wouldn't torture yourself some much worrying about other people but I guess that is just the way you are and I love you. Don't forget about me when you leave.


Well, that was entirely too bitchy. But I feel better. You should try it sometime.

Disclaimer of sorts . . .

I'm sitting at my kitchen counter chewing on the toughest cheeseburger I've ever sunk my teeth into. It's rather disgusting, but when drenched in Ketchup almost anything tastes better. I've been busy all day but, I've taken a break to post a small update.
I feel I've let the real reason I've started this journal go. Not that I don't like what I've done with it or that it really matters at all, but I really started this as a place for everything I don't tell people. Not a very honest idea, but this is the place where I want to be completely honest.

So, this is a disclaimer of sorts. Just for me. And you. I do this in every journal. Even the ones I keep under my bed. Everything you might be offended by or bored by or . . . anything. I hate to alienate people because I may offend them. So here's what you may need to know:

*I have no religious affiliation. I'm slightly agnostic. I am, however, very open minded and interested in everyone else's religious ideas. I love nothing more then a healthy debate.
*I love to hear about other people from other countries, cities, anything. Makes the world a more united and smaller place when I can relate to someone so far away.
*I whine. A lot. About school, and people, and how I want to help but can't, and life, and homework. And boys. I'm sorry about that. But, I do.
*I'm pretty liberal in most of my opinions. Go gay marriage. Pro-choice. And so on.
*I can be overly vague. Although it's probably on purpose.
*I make spelling mistakes.
*I go on tangents, I write random fiction, I sound too vain, I contradict myself, I plan on posting my random photography. I love to know what you think. Good bad or in-between.
*I have promised not to censor myself.

Also, my name is Caity. I thought if we're going to be friends, you should at least know my name. What's yours?

Well, I thought I had more to say then that. Maybe I'll add more later. Anyway, onward to today's post:

Finished my ridiculous essay for English that's been waiting over my head for weeks. It felt good to print that out and hand it in. Even if she doesn't take full credit for it, I did it and that I am proud of. I still have work to do, but I feel content that I've finished what I have. Which is rather lame because I should just be expected to do that work, that should just be how life is. Exams are next week and I'm amazed how calm I am about them. I'm going through this Zen faze where I just keep thinking how everything is already in the past and I don't want to change it. I'll get the grades I get and know I probably deserve them because, while I've been working hard and been very busy, that effort hasn't been focused at school. I'll take life as it comes and enjoy it that way.

I'm afraid my goldfish is dying. Ricky O. Bob is one year, two months old and he's stopped eating. I take good care of him but, I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end.

In broadcast journalism today, (the class that is the death of me) we did a presentation for our quarter projects. Now, understand that this class is filled with talented people and run by an idiot. We all do little things to annoy her. It's our silent unity that I love about that class. I also love how I've connected with those people. I love how I have conversations and laughs with people I wouldn't have shared more then a smile with. All because I was in the video where we only had one take and I made a news story up off the top of my head about ancient manuscripts. Upon watching it, I don't think it was at all funny except for my very serious "news reporter face" I had even when talking about the first ever German Bible (i know) and the book on ancient rock climbing and the Book of Life. Not funny, but it somehow got me a reputation of being "sweet and entertaining and photogenic". Which I accepted.

(edited:)

So during our presentations, we had to write critics on everyone's projects. And my presentation was awful. I accept it. I mean, they like me in that class and so we just kinda laughed our way through it. But, I fear what they wrote about it.

Anyway, there is this boy who sits next to me. We've been friends for a while, but he didn't always sit there. He moved recently to be closer to another one of his friends, but we laugh together all the time about the videos or our journals or our teacher's obsession with his hair. Anyway, after my presentation, I wrote my critic of myself.

It simply said: Caity: Did she do any research at all?

Because that fit the theme of my critics and he showed me his.

He covered my name with his finger and it said:

Deliberately placed finger: Love Virgin Suicides. [one of the movies I had to write about] Caity's so nice to me!!?scribble

He dictated that to me and I just laughed. He set it down and got up to hold someone else's project and I saw what he had been covering.

It said, Caity: Pretty girl.

For some reason, it made happy all day. He's a nice guy.

I've also decided I want to make my journal more multimedia. . . friendly. So, I'm going to start posting a photo of the day. Or of the post. . All taken by me unless otherwise stated.

A photograph from London I'm rather fond of. I thought it was particularly funny since there were several offers from several attrative men to go get drinks after whatever we finished doing. And they were all so surprised we weren't 18.