Don't Censor Yourself.

"When your body says Go! Do this!, and your head says No! What are you thinking?!: go with what your body says because it's probably the more natural and correct instinct. You have to stop thinking, Caity."

Don't censor yourself.

Karen revealed to me today that that was the secret to a successful performance. And she was right. Letting go, ignoring the script and just doing made the monologue so much more natural, realistic and fun. But, beyond being great for performing, it's good advice for life. I felt so liberated to be so honest even though, in reality, I was pretending to be a 24 year old women without a cent to her name pleading with some ass to co-sign so I could get insurance on my car and move to Utah.

Anyway, I've wanted to do this ever since I saw that Ryan did. It's a little low, but I liked the concept. Sorta. Apparently everyone does them. Doesn't matter. I've created a completely un-censored list of things I wish I could tell people.


1) At the moment, the friends that are closest to me really dislike you. You've been "wronged" by them and they have been "wronged" by you. You are stubborn and don't appreciate what you have. I feel bad about saying this because I really thought we were friends at one point, I really thought you cared about me but now I just want to tell you that I think you are selfish and would appreciate it if you could please stop using me and everyone around you. I'm glad you got into college though. It's too bad we'll lose touch and you will spend the next four year getting drunk and high. It always happens to the brilliant people. I will miss you.
2) You are just like your "mother". I hope we have a good time together next year. And that I can find a hint of honesty in you.
3) You've made some interesting choices in your life but you sometimes do feel like a little sister to me. Despite the embarrassing fact that you have more experience in most fields. Still, you have no right to judge how attractive my future significant others are because you've dated some...interesting folks. And, of course, by some I mean 27ish. I enjoy talking to you. We've had a witty moment or two. What with Fred and Gansta me and all. Still, my heart will be broken when I find out who you lost it to. As your "sister" I have to care about these things. Don't be an idiot. I will kick you.
4) I love you. Never forget that. Don't let other people tell you what to do. Don't follow the crowd. Stand up for yourself. And be a little nicer. You are an amazing person.
5) Your brilliance is not excuse for erratic and rude behavior to the people closest to you. I've known you and you've known me through some hideous times. We were never friends. Don't think I think we were. My shy appearance and your arrogant attitude kept us apart and yet there was still some kind of connection. It made everything seem like an inside joke. Lately however, you've indirectly caused me a lot of trouble. I don't really appreciate the way you are treating her. Please stop before she goes crazy with worry and I get involved.
6) You are a little to much like everyone around you. Despite thinking you are such an individual. Also, please stop talking with your hands .
7) You are sorta annoying. I don't understand everyone's devotion to you or your desire to always command the attention in such a frightening, loud and sometimes violent way. You seek the pity. And just so you know, to be a poor starving college student, you should probably be paying for or at least be in college first. But still, we are friends. And at least for awhile I have a feeling it will stay this way.
8) I don't know why any of them go back to you. Am I the only one that sees through you? You are so very shallow. It makes me so sad because you have such potential. It's just hard to work with a two-faced bitch. I did have some fun with you back stage once or twice though. And, I'm sorry for that rude message I left you once when I thought you hadn't showed up for the performance.
9)Why did you lead me on? Why didn't you tell me? I know you think I don't know. I know you feel bad and slightly guilty. Yet, I still wished I kissed you. Just so I could have known.
10)You have no chance with her. You still have so much growing up to do. And a bit of modesty to gain. And no, I will never marry you.
11)I have some many things to say to you and I will never say any of them because your face just can't seem to muster an honest reaction. I want to see you raw and true. I've been getting close lately. I want to see your long perfected facade crack and crumble. We're going to have to be friends next year. Please don't steal them from me.
12) Get a life. Stop saying "Pimp", "Assfuck" and "Yo" in all of your sentences. It makes you seem really stupid. Also, emotions are real, yo. (See?). It's too bad it has to be this way. We used to be so close. But I can't let it go.
13)I like you. And that makes me kinda annoyed with myself because every other girl does too. I know you see it because you are using me for your entertainment now. At least you are nice about it. Still, I wish with all of my heart that you see me for more then just entertainment or you stop leading me on. It's just the nice guy thing I'm sure.
14) You are very nice. Not very many people make me laugh as much as you do. Or ask me such flattering questions. Don't let one slight defect hold you back from everything you should go on to do.
15) Please stop fixing your boxers in class and please don't watch me through the camera any more. It makes me uncomfortable. And creating the marriage scenarios. And the fights in the back room. And....
16)I wish you trusted me. And didn't over react so much. I don't need you anymore. I'm sorry.
17)You mean more to me then I think you know. I really want you to be the successful one. You just need to have some faith and trust in yourself. It makes me ache inside that I can't make you see how beautiful and talented you are. I wish you wouldn't torture yourself some much worrying about other people but I guess that is just the way you are and I love you. Don't forget about me when you leave.


Well, that was entirely too bitchy. But I feel better. You should try it sometime.