Things I NEED to say.
Screw my mom.
Screw the fact that I am deliberately not doing my Scarlet Letter essay.
I have something to say:
I am going to the college I want to. I won't say what that school is because you'll think I want to go there for reasons other then the true ones. I need to go to this school because it's in the city I need to be in and I can't think of any other way to get there. I need to go there. I need to make the connections that will follow in a hopeful career. In fact, I've already sort of started to make slight connections that I can't throw away.
Yes, it's true I don't want to be a doctor. Yes, it's a lot of money. But, I already regret not doing too many things in my life so this is one decision that I'm promising myself I won't look back on a regret. Regret hurts more then any emotion I've ever known. And it leaves a deep scar.
Mom:
You are so much better then the person you used to be. You and I have come so far from the years of pointless arguments and abuse. The days of running away, your ridiculous outbursts, when you would hit me and throw me to the floor. So far from the bitter letters and the sob filled make-up hugs. You are a different person. But, I am too. Please, start taking me seriously before I lose respect for you again.
I never asked you for help in paying for college. I always hoped you would but I've never expressed the need for it. I'm going to stop telling you about the things that go on in my life if you stop supporting me. Please stop being so dramatic. Also, please stop joking about you and dad's marital situation. It's not funny and just because I don't express it, I'm upset that you would mention it again. You love him and there are bigger things in life then my wanting to go to college to spilt you two up. There are bigger things in the world then you. Look at the big picture.
For once, I want you to be the one to come to me asking for forgiveness.
I only want your support. And if you're not going to offer it- if you are going to judge me- then I'll be leaving a lot sooner then you hope.
You think I'm not serious.
I still love you.
posted by Think-itFilm-it @ 9:45 PM
6 Comments:
I felt rude reading this, like I was invading your privacy.
You seem to be going through so much for someone your age. So much angst. So much worrying. You seem to be in a hurry to grow up. I hope you get what you want - the college, the dream job, the happiness... but I hope life doesn't pass you by.
Now I feel rude for giving you advice.
Please, don't feel bad.
I wouldn't post it if it was too personal. Posts like this is part of the reason I wanted a journal away from the ones my friends read. So I can write about the things they don't need to know.
I appreciate your thoughts. You have a good point.
I appreciate your reading this. Thanks for your concern.
I was worried I may have upset you. I'm glad I didn't.
Unrelated - I've been meaning to tell you, I too was at the Pirates of the Caribbean 2 premiere in London. I of course knew about it and went there deliberately... at 9:30 in the morning! That was a HOT day, wasn't it?!
No, I wasn't at all upset. Pleased, really.
I wondered if you were going to say you were there too. How funny. What a small world.
That was a hot day. But, in my city 110-120 is the summer normal. However, we have air conditioning everywhere. :) I do remember reading the headlines all that week about the Tube being a "Heat Death Trap". We spent a lot of time eating ice cream.
This is random but, I think about this sort of thing sometimes. For example, when just bump into someone on the train and exchange a simple apology that’s about all of the thought you spend on that person. But, there’s a chance that you meet again and mean something to one another. Every little exchange with another person is important or could become important later. While this is not really the same, it kind of has the same idea. You and I have never meet, but we were in the same place at the same time perhaps right beside each other (although I have a feeling that’s not the case) despite being from completely different places and ages we came together for the same reason. That doesn’t really make sense. I’m just emphasizing the idea that it’s a small world. : )
Actually, it totally makes sense.
I am wondering if I met you in that crowd that day, did we see each other? Hmmm... (I was near the park entrance opposite Capital Radio, by TKTS).
I find it interesting that we have 'met' by chance. You are younger than me, but I seem to understand what you're saying, you seem to have a great insight for someone your age.
It is a small world, no matter how big it seems. I am glad I stumbled across your blog. I check back on it regularly. It's like some of the things your saying are what I would like to say. Not everything, but some things.
Like I said before... I feel I know you, though we've never met. Sometimes, you come across people in your lives and you can have a conversation like you've met them before, or known them for years, but it's your first meeting. It's rare, but it happens. I think that's what's happened here.
I hope so.
Have a happy holiday!
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