It's days like these when I remember I am just like everyone else.

The topic of this entry frustrates me before I've even started writing what it is. Just the idea that I feel compelled to write this entry pains me. But, I want to. I need to.

Welcome to being 17.

Here you are trapped behind that number. It defines you as a person in both your intellectual capabilities and your physical. It decides what you truly care about and what you deserve to have a say in.
I suppose it's always that way. And I've always been and will most likely continue to be annoyed about it beyond my fill.

Tonight was not the night for this to happen. I was going to enjoy the fact that its technically my Friday. I leave for Reno tomorrow. And tonight I was going to actually sit at my desk and NOT do homework and then clean my room. It was just my understanding that I needed to have it clean before Reno.

Still, as this always happens, my parents get sick of how my room is not clean at the most inconvenient times. They are just so idiotic about it. And I stay calm through all of their ridiculous rage. In fact, I take a little joy in seeing how far I can push them. Which is stupid on my part but I have got to win some of these battles. Even if it's the self-created kind.

I've been busy. Really, really busy. I sacrifice my sleep for my homework and my sanity. I've been averaging three and a half hours a night. For the past week or more. It's starting to effect my heath. I get this splitting headaches when I start to get tired.

I'm sorry but I've found better things to do then put my laundry away. There are greater things in the world then a dirty room. Yes, this is about a dirty room. I thought we were over this. I could be doing inappropriate things with me time, illegally inappropriate, but I spend it all at community theatre, and you waste all of this rage, and I do mean rage, on the pile of laundry.

It makes me sad.

Ah! There is so much I wanted to say about this. I had some really great thoughts and some really great points. But, I am tired beyond the point of proper functioning and my head is beginning to ache. I'm sorry for the stupid rant. I'll redeem myself later I promise. I just wanted a post before I left and I had the material so there.

I am spontaneous in my dreams.

My heart is standing on the edge of a cliff.

And I can't decide if it would be more fun to jump off into the vulnerable unknown or resort to retreating into the comfortable warm solid land.

My insides have been thrown onto an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm forced to change the way I feel drastically from one moment to the next. And they twist and turn in defense.

The feeling of dread, doubt and worry has not left the pit of my stomach for a week. Not to say I haven't been happy. I spend a lot of my time happy, I just do it with this ever lasing feeling of guilt and worry. Have I gone too far? Am I not prepared enough? Why couldn't I help more? Do I look out of place? Am I doing the right thing? Could I have gone further? Do I look stupid?

I love the idea of being thought about by and cared for by another person. To be sought after and wanted. To have someone to laugh with and cry to and talk about monkeys and speedboats with. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to happen with -. I just haven't found the right things to say. I need to learn how to do the right things that are just spontaneous enough and not too much. I think a stronger friendship might be the first step. He's been stressed out lately and I wish I could help. I saw his ex?-girlfriend yesterday. What is she that I am not? Maybe I'm actually trying too hard. But, why is it okay for him to decide when to be flirty. I need to lean. I will. I just don't want to be doughnuts for diner.

That sounded dirty and it wasn't supposed to.

It's from Title of Show. Anyway.

Moving on.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings. Scott intimidates me. Even though he is the older Capt. Fab.
I'm afraid of not being ready. And what he will tell me.

I need someone else for me right now. People come to me and I can't talk. I just think about how no one could possibly care. Is it bad to want to learn to talk about myself when others ask?

Is it bad to be worried about being single at 17? I had being that stupid desperate dateless girl. I am not outgoing enough to be noticed. Is that it? Is there something else? I hope college changes my lonely state. I would love, though, to have a date for prom. So, maybe things will be fixed before college. I'm trying to be positive.

USC sent me a letter today. Yes, they send a similar one to everyone, but it was still amazing.

I need to feed Ricky.

Oh geez. I'm going to be late.



I'm happy. I will tell myself that every day. Today will be a great day.