I am spontaneous in my dreams.

My heart is standing on the edge of a cliff.

And I can't decide if it would be more fun to jump off into the vulnerable unknown or resort to retreating into the comfortable warm solid land.

My insides have been thrown onto an emotional roller coaster ride. I'm forced to change the way I feel drastically from one moment to the next. And they twist and turn in defense.

The feeling of dread, doubt and worry has not left the pit of my stomach for a week. Not to say I haven't been happy. I spend a lot of my time happy, I just do it with this ever lasing feeling of guilt and worry. Have I gone too far? Am I not prepared enough? Why couldn't I help more? Do I look out of place? Am I doing the right thing? Could I have gone further? Do I look stupid?

I love the idea of being thought about by and cared for by another person. To be sought after and wanted. To have someone to laugh with and cry to and talk about monkeys and speedboats with. I'm pretty sure that nothing is going to happen with -. I just haven't found the right things to say. I need to learn how to do the right things that are just spontaneous enough and not too much. I think a stronger friendship might be the first step. He's been stressed out lately and I wish I could help. I saw his ex?-girlfriend yesterday. What is she that I am not? Maybe I'm actually trying too hard. But, why is it okay for him to decide when to be flirty. I need to lean. I will. I just don't want to be doughnuts for diner.

That sounded dirty and it wasn't supposed to.

It's from Title of Show. Anyway.

Moving on.

I'm afraid of what tomorrow brings. Scott intimidates me. Even though he is the older Capt. Fab.
I'm afraid of not being ready. And what he will tell me.

I need someone else for me right now. People come to me and I can't talk. I just think about how no one could possibly care. Is it bad to want to learn to talk about myself when others ask?

Is it bad to be worried about being single at 17? I had being that stupid desperate dateless girl. I am not outgoing enough to be noticed. Is that it? Is there something else? I hope college changes my lonely state. I would love, though, to have a date for prom. So, maybe things will be fixed before college. I'm trying to be positive.

USC sent me a letter today. Yes, they send a similar one to everyone, but it was still amazing.

I need to feed Ricky.

Oh geez. I'm going to be late.



I'm happy. I will tell myself that every day. Today will be a great day.