Dependency Issues

I realized today how much other people's moods affect me.
I've known it for a long time. It's frustrated me for a long time. But, today it really sunk in.

I really pull from the people around me. Not to the point where I change the things I say or the way that I act, but they can affect the way that I feel. If you are upset, but not the kind of seeking help upset, and I spend time with you...I start to feel bad too. If you're having a bad day and I can't help fix it, you bring me down. It works the other way too. If you are in a good mood you'll make me happier. I feel like a toy. And it's my fault.

It frustrates me because I see that someone is upset and I realize that I should have nothing to do with it and should continue going about things as I was. Unless it relates to me or I become somehow involved. But, then I start to feel guilty for being happy when they are upset. Maybe it's because I fear everything is my fault and I should feel continuously remorseful...

Maybe it's because I'm just confused.
I wish there was someone I could go to if I was having a bad day. But, usually, if I'm having a bad day, I just pretend I'm not. Maybe I just don't understand how you can't control your emotions or make sense of how you're feeling. I'm having this problem with my sister. And other people. Maybe I just don't understand.

Lately, however, I've had good days.
And no one to share them with.
Because I don't want to burden you with my happiness.

I think, in the pit of my stomach, I know what is going on. I could be so very wrong, but if I'm not, I am at fault. There isn't much I can do to fix it. Except, I suppose, stop talking about it all together. I think it has a lot to do with the way you think of yourself too. And I wish I could make it all better.

I wish I could make everything better. I want to let go.

But this may make it worse.
I'm such a hypocrite. This isn't fair of me. I'm sorry.

I'll be brief. My favorite part of my day today was the way A reacted to last Friday. It was fabulous and intriguing. I guess I'll just have to tell you about it later. Things are different between the two of us. Friday changed that?
We'll talk. Later.